I cannot remember how many times exactly I have been placed in a friend zone. But the latest happened just recently.
“I like someone else” is a bad thing to hear from someone I like. But adding “and I badly want him because I have not seriously liked someone like this before” is just a sharp-pointed pin that pricks into my chest deeper than an anti-flu shot.
It completely bursts the whole love bubble that I surrounded myself for the past weeks.
But that was fine, I guess. At least it was direct. No fuss. Yes or No (in my case it was a no, or maybe a maybe). I can get rid of the unnecessary “kilig” that I feel every time he is near or when we are together. I was told that this guy I like “just does not want to lose me because he keeps me as his friend. Lovers break up and friends do not.”
That does not bring comfort anymore.
It saddened me, of course. Another friend-zone. Another gay guy was driven away by the smartness and confidence of Inad. I always think gay guys, even straight ones, gets intimidated by me.
While I was staring at the horizon from the balcony of my condo unit, a Facebook message popped. It was my friend, JD, who, like me, has had his love bubble burst. But his story was different. He and this guy he is into played what he call a “mind game”. You know, that thing where you guess whether the guy you like also likes you based on his actions, words, gestures.
[Insert your favorite love song.]
I told him that the good thing about “mind game” is it gives yourself the chance to feel what you believe in. It gives you that notion to savor that there is an attraction that exists between the two of you. Although you are doubting, although it is unknown, it transports you to the assumption that there is something happening.
But then, if you continue doing it, you may remain longing for something inexistent, something that is always absent, something that is not there since the very beginning. You may keep guessing the what-if’s.
But you do not like to collect what-if’s in your life, do you?
Asking directly the person you like if he feels the same way may hurt after learning of his answer.
But heck, it was the truth (and truth hurts).
Then JD gave a comment on my experience which turned my head to look into the positive side. As he said: “Though you will always have to do reality check… and it teaches you how to have control [after learning the truth]. At the end of the day, the sense of the entire exercise is that it gives you the fulfillment of trying [to reach out].”
He has a point.
Now that I gained consciousness to reality, I can gain control of myself again. I can become smarter and more confident. I can feel the sense of fulfillment, and can move on to another guy.
This does not happen only to gay guys. This happens to everyone. Everyone blows his or her own love bubble. The happier he or she feels, the bigger the bubble. And the more painful is felt, the louder the bubble pops.