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LOVE AFFAIRS

‘Cyber affairs’ rupturing long-term relationships

A 2010 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that four out of five lawyers used evidence derived from social networking sites in divorce cases. In addition, it’s estimated that one in five divorces today have a direct correlation to amorous encounters and relationships cultivated online.

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Photo by Raj Eiamworakul from Unsplash.com

With the rise of digital technology, access to whatever hearts desire has become nearly instantaneous. It allows everyone to connect, for the cost of an Internet connection, with old friends and acquaintances – anytime and from virtually anywhere. While the positives are clear to see, a darker picture is starting to take shape: the rise of so-called ‘cyber affairs’.  

So, what’s behind the growth of these digital dalliances? According to author and speaker Tina Konkin, who runs a Newport Beach, California-based counseling program, Relationship Lifeline, one need to look no farther than interactions on social media or the internet.

A 2010 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that four out of five lawyers used evidence derived from social networking sites in divorce cases. In addition, it’s estimated that one in five divorces today have a direct correlation to amorous encounters and relationships cultivated online.

“The allure of cyber affairs for many is the minimal effort needed to engage,” said Konkin. “More often than not, we’re seeing these cyber affairs stem from a reconnection with people in their past, where individuals are essentially transported back in time and start to form a romantic bond through past experiences they’ve shared.”

Another driver of digital infidelity: the casual attitude and easy access to pornography. According to a survey published in the Journal of the American Psychological Association, 86% of men are likely to click on Internet sex sites if given the opportunity. Furthermore, according to an AAML poll of 350 divorce attorneys, two-thirds reported that the Internet played a significant role in break-ups. More than half of those cases involved an excessive interest in online porn.

More than half of women who watch gay porn prefer it because it’s more ‘authentic’

“The overwhelming number of pornographic websites and chat rooms have played a significant role in disrupting the exclusivity of human sexuality,” said Konkin. “The low barrier of entry allows individuals to get what they want, when they want it. It’s become Pandora’s Box.”

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Although the conversation surrounding ‘cyber affairs’ may be uncomfortable for some, Konkin said that such dialogue is necessary because of the threats they pose to long-term happiness and growth. There is a need to raise awareness around the issue “to be a catalyst for those conversations and help people recognize these online encounters for what they are – affairs.”

LOVE AFFAIRS

Thinking of getting married already? Stop!

Seriously: Before heading to the altar, find out how ready for love you (and your partner) really are.

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Photo by Alessandro De Bellis from Unsplash.com

These days, when Kailen Rosenberg — the author of “Real Love, Right Now: A 30-Day Blueprint for Finding Your Soul Mate — and So Much More!” and is known for her work on the series “Lovetown, USA” with Oprah Winfrey as well as the E! reality shows “Stewarts & Hamiltons” and “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” — sees a wedding happening, she doesn’t immediately think, “Oh, look at the beautiful bride!”

Instead, she said that she thinks: “Shit, I hope they know what they’re doing!”

This is because after introducing thousands of singles into relationships and healing over 100 marriages headed for divorce, Rosenberg found that they all had the same thing in common: 99% never knew who they were really marrying in the first place.

And so… before you say yes to the ring, the dress and a partner for life, Rosenberg encourages you to do these things first:

1. Find out how ready for love you (and your partner) really are.

“The most important step you can take toward experiencing a healthy love relationship is to become completely honest with yourself about who you truly are when it comes to relationships and your own love readiness,” Rosenberg said.

Dig deeper to discover what kind of “mate” you are – i.e. Life Mates, Soul Mates and Ego Mates.

“If your partner challenges you, drives you crazy — in the positive and negative connotations of this phrase — and he or she sparks your deepest passions, you are likely on the right track,” said Rosenberg.

READ:  Duane and David: Forming a lifetime partnership

2. Confirm your compatibility.

For Rosenberg: “It’s not necessary to like all the same things or agree on everything, but there should be foundation of common interests and shared friendships that will allow you to grow into your new blended life together.”

3. Meet the parents.

You will learn so much from seeing where your partner comes from in terms of past love role models.

“We are likely to play out some version of what we witnessed as children, so you should be ready for that. If either of you is the child of divorce or marital dysfunction, it isn’t necessarily a relationship death sentence; it simply means your mutual awareness of it and willingness to work through it honestly and openly are vital to the health of your own partnership,” Rosenberg said.

The level of openness, honesty and emotional vulnerability each of you share in this kind of conversation is a huge sign of how open, honest, and vulnerable you will be within your own marriage.

4. Look for deal breakers.

“Don’t walk down the aisle if you’re not completely in alignment with your personal truth. Be honest with yourself: Are there any things about your partner that go against your personal value system? It’s okay to challenge yourself to open your mind and think differently, but don’t ignore warning signs for fear of losing the relationship. Identifying and addressing these issues now is essential to starting your marriage on the right foot. If you go into marriage hoping certain fundamental qualities of your partner will eventually change, he or she may not be the right person for you,” Rosenberg ended.

READ:  Jay Tuazon and Carl Rosadino: Enjoying the love for each other

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LIFESTYLE & CULTURE

Keep your marriage alive in these ways

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If you are starting to worry about the solidity of your marriage, then you will probably be keen to do something about it as soon as possible. This can be a worrying and upsetting time when you feel that not all is certain anymore, and you might want to try and take direct action to make sure that you are going to lift yourself out of the dark times. That, of course, can often be difficult, which is why you need to try and plan for it as best as you can.

The best way to do that is to look into how you can be sure to keep your marriage alive and well, and that is what we are going to look at in this post. As long as you are considering the following points, you should find that you have a better understanding of how to keep your marriage alive and well.

Be Clear

First of all, you need to make sure that you are always as clear as possible with your other half about what you want, what your desires are, and what you expect from the relationship. You should also expect the same of them. When you are both capable of being clear in this direct way, it means that you will be able to expect much more from your marriage. That will then mean that you can seek a brighter future with it, which is ultimately what you should be looking for here.

By being clear on what you expect from a Muslim Marriage, a Christian marriage, an atheist marriage, or whichever, you know that you can both be on the same page genuinely in the future as best as you would hope to be. That makes a huge difference to the future of the marriage.

Be Honest

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You should also make sure that you are promoting honesty as best as you can in our marriage, as without that there is really not much hope for the relationship at all. If you find it difficult to be honest at all times, then you might want to think about trying to practice honesty a little more as time goes on. If your partner is patient, they should understand and at least appreciate that you are attempting to do that.

Honesty is essential if you want to keep your marriage alive, so it’s a good idea to make sure that you are engaging in it as best as you can at all times. If not, you might find that this causes some ongoing problems in your marriage which can be harder to fix.

Be Patient

Finally, remember that it takes a great deal of patience to be able to reside and be with another person in any setting, let alone in marriage. You need to make sure that you can continue to express and practice this patience even when it is most difficult. If you cannot, you will find that you struggle to keep the marriage together. This might be the most important quality, along with honesty.

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LOVE AFFAIRS

7 Steps to becoming truly love-ready

Know that even before one looks for a partner, he/she must first know oneself.

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Photo by rawpixel from Unsplash.com

For relationship-hunters, being single is no fun when you’ve been wishing, hoping, and praying for the right partner to come into your life. But what would you do if Mr./Ms. Right appeared? Would you be ready to be in a healthy, loving partnership?

According to matchmaker Kailen Rosenbergauthor of “Real Love, Right Now: A 30-Day Blueprint for Finding Your Soul Mate — and So Much More!”, even before one looks for a partner, he/she must first know oneself.

“In order to know if you’re truly ready for love or not, especially if the new guy or gal in your life is the ‘right’ one, you must know what kind of ‘mate’ you are,” Rosenberg said. “Are you a Life, Soul, or Ego Mate? Knowing and understanding who you are when it comes to love makes all the difference. We all think it’s a soulmate we want, but that’s not necessarily true.”

Here are seven steps to becoming truly love-ready, according to Rosenberg.

  1. Envision love for yourself: To be love-ready, you must not only believe in love, but be able to envision it for yourself. Picture love in a wholly positive, sexy, fun, and healthy way, and envision this existing for you in your own life. To really achieve this, you’ll have to let go of the old blocks, fears, and self-sabotages that have kept you from love in the past.
  2. Let go of desperation: One huge clue that you are now love-ready is if you no longer feel desperate to find the kind of loving relationship that you want. You want love — and you’re excited for it — but you don’t need it as badly as before.
  3. Radiate loving energy: When you are love-ready, your new energy will radiate out from you to the rest of the world. The more you approach all of life with this loving energy, the more you’ll notice the impact this has on those you encounter, from friends and family to strangers on the street. The person you are waiting to meet will notice it, too!
  4. Listen to your inner voice: Another sign that you are love-ready is that you can now listen to and truly hear the inner voice you used to block out because you were afraid of being alone. You can see the warning signs of problematic, unloving behavior in a potential partner sooner, and you have a heightened awareness of who you want around you.
  5. Deal with past wounds: Issues from your past that have not been dealt with can prevent you from being completely love-ready, though it is still possible to find love if you aren’t fully healed. Just be aware that you will bring any fears or hurts you carry into the new relationship. If you can deal with them and heal them now, you’ll give yourself and your future partner the gift of an emotionally clearer and more joyful start to your partnership.
  6. Shift your self-image: Becoming love-ready doesn’t always mean conquering a dramatic, painful past. Sometimes, all it takes is a shift in perception. Seeing yourself honestly and lovingly is an extremely important part of being truly love-ready.
  7. Let go of excuses that are holding you back: You know all those reasons you tell yourself as to why you haven’t found love yet? It’s time to put those aside. The excuses are fairly universal and common, such as “the divorce rate is so high,” “my friends are all unhappy in their marriages,” “my parents had a miserable marriage,” “all men are jerks,” “all women just want money,” “no one wants to date a single mother with little kids,” “all of the good ones are taken,” and so on. Sound familiar? Here’s the thing: we receive what we believe by investing in our belief systems with our attitudes, words, and actions that make them come true. Stop subscribing to these limiting beliefs and you might surprise yourself with how much easier it feels to be open to love.
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Identify what kind of mate you are to find the perfect mate via The Real Reveal.

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LOVE AFFAIRS

5 Lessons ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’ can teach everyone about love

By using ABBA’s songs, “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” teaches important lessons about loving – including the need to grab every moment as they come, and savor these moments, because some of these moments may not happen again, and there’s no sense living with regrets for what-could-have-been’s.

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SCREENSHOT FROM 'MAMMA MIA! HERE WE GO AGAIN"

In 2008, the world was re-exposed to the music of Swedish pop group ABBA, thanks to the summer blockbuster “Mamma Mia!”. In that musical-turned-film that was based on ABBA songs, we followed the story of Sophie Sheridan (Amanda Seyfried), who – while looking for her real Dad before her wedding because her mom (Meryl Streep) opted to remain secretive about her past – ended up discovering the real meaning of family.

It helps, of course, that the story is pushed forward by ABBA songs – from the melancholic “I Have a Dream”, to the always-lively “Dancing Queen”, to the poetic (albeit sad) “Our Last Summer” and “Slipping Through My Fingers”, and to the flirtatious “Lay All Your Love on Me”, “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)” and to the very title of the film, “Mamma Mia”.

That film earned $615.7 million in the box office, highlighting – perhaps – that ABBA has not really gone (even if the group disbanded in 1982). By successfully encapsulating the essence of the songs, we – like Sophie – journeyed to joyful self-discovery.

A decade after “Mamma Mia!” was released, we revisited Sophie and – yes – ABBA via “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again”.

This time around, the story picks up with Sophie (Seyfried) pregnant and single just as her mother, Donna (Streep), was years earlier. A spoiler: Donna is dead. So in her place, and to comfort Sophie, Donna’s friends and former bandmates, Rosie (Julie Walters) and Tanya (Christine Baranski) share stories of Donna in her adventurous youth.

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And from this, there are five lessons I think “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” can teach everyone not just about family, but about real love.

1. Love can come from unexpected places.

With Donna’s death a year earlier, two of her fathers (Harry and Bill) unable to make it to the reopening of Donna’s hotel, and Sky (her partner) in New York, the pregnant Sophie was not having an easy time.
But even if these people very close to her are not (supposedly) around, she is not lacking for love. Rosie and Tanya, for instance, are there for her; and even the community that they helped shape via Donna’s hotel back her up.

I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

Nine of the singles of ABBA – formed by Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anni-Frid in Stockholm, Sweden almost half a century ago – are about love, which is the group’s most-popular subject. Five of those songs went to No. 1: “Waterloo”, “Mamma Mia”, “The Name of the Game”, “Take a Chance on Me” and “Super Trouper”.

As an FYI: The group’s next most-popular subject matter (with four singles) is about lust. But none of those reached top spot [even if “Voulez-Vous” and “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)” reached number three].

2. When you find real love, hold on to it as long as you can.

Remember the way the first film ended, with Sophie’s three dads basically saying that it doesn’t matter who her biological father is, they all claim to be her family because they love her?

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Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” continues that premise.

That is, that when you find real love (whether it’s romantic or familiar or whatever), hold on to it.

3. Not all heartbreaks break us.

Three of ABBA’s singles are about heartbreak, and two are about loneliness – themes that “Mamma Mia!” and “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” also tackle.

And while the first movie included “The Winner Takes It All”; the second one included “Why Did It Have to Be Me” and “Angel Eyes” – all these songs actually lamenting about lost love.

But here’s the thing: These songs may be sad, but they are also self-aware, with the one singing it actually being thankful for the loving. This highlights that there may be moments when loving hurts; but this does not need to break us.

4. Your past never disappears; you just learn to live with it.

That Donna is dead exemplifies “past”. But instead of just forgetting the past, it may be best to learn to live with it instead. This is why Sophie is celebrating Donna.

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” also shows that your past will eventually catch up with you. The first film, after all, had Donna claiming her mother is dead; but in the second movie, this mother appeared in the person of Cher.

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To this end, too, ABBA’s “Fernando”, as sang by the indomitable Cher, is more than apt: “Though we never thought that we could lose, there’s no regret…”

To survive, we all move on from our past, learning how to live with the lessons we got from it.

5. Live in the present.

Donna’s character was always in-the-present (which explains her falling in love with three succeeding guys; and then – when she got pregnant – deciding to settle down to form a family). And there is something that can be learned with loving from Donna. That is, to grab every moment as they come, and savor these moments. Some of these moments may not happen again, and there’s no sense living with regrets for what-could-have-been’s.

Dancing Queen” may arguably be ABBA’s most popular – and catchy – song. But to summarize this lessons in loving, I’d say “Thank You for the Music” is more apt. The words may refer to music as a whole; but it may as well refer to loving, i.e.:

“So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I’m singing
Thanks for all the joy they’re bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me…”

So I say thanks to “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” for giving me a glimpse of real love.

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LOVE AFFAIRS

What to do when an ex won’t let you move on

Whether your ex was guilty of infidelity, including cyber cheating, or love just fizzled out doesn’t matter. Whatever happens, you owe it to yourself to find your route to freedom.

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Photo by Nick Fewings from Unsplash.com

Ending a relationship is never easy. Unfortunately, some ex-lovers will make it harder to walk away than others. Worse still, it’s almost impossible to know whether a person is going to become difficult until the relationship is over.

Whether your ex was guilty of infidelity, including cyber cheating, or love just fizzled out doesn’t matter. Whatever happens, you owe it to yourself to find your route to freedom. Here’s how to regain control of your love status and general life.

Photo by Pixabay.com

Seek A Clear Financial Resolution

It’s never nice to jump straight into the financial battles. Sadly, if you were in a serious relationship, it’s inevitable that disputes will occur. Therefore, it’s imperative that you tackle those issues head on. Otherwise, you’re asking for another obstacle to appear.

Some couples can do this without the courts. However, the fact that your ex is being difficult suggests that you’ll need to do this in an official manner. Given the situation, it may be best to sell the home and other major assets. Aside from being an easy solution, it avoids the threat of you being left with items that have emotional ties.

It’s very difficult to move on with your life or make a fresh start without first achieving that financial solution. Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but this is one of the most crucial parts of your recovery.

Stand Up For Yourself

A sense of assertiveness is particularly crucial at this time in your life, not least if your ex is trying to be difficult. This is even more important if you’ve been in an abusive relationship, physically or emotionally. Break their dominance, and you’ll finally be set to move on.

It is possible that your ex will try to get desperate by falsely dragging you into situations and legal battles. When fighting these situations, leave it the experts and ignore any personal contact with your ex. A child abuse lawyer should be able to prove your innocence. When coupled with your lack of interaction, your ex-partner should soon get the message.

Photo from Pixabay.com

The worst thing you could do is sit back and let them walk over you or claw you back into their life. As tough as it can feel at times, standing up for yourself is vital. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, and you won’t go far wrong.

Move On

After suffering a toxic relationship, you may not be ready for another serious one for some time. However, there’s nothing wrong with the confidence boost from a little dating. Alternatively, you could start a new hobby or class to see if anything naturally surfaces there.

Perhaps most importantly, you need to invest time in yourself and learn to be happy in your skin once more. Your needy or demanding ex may have knocked your confidence for six. Hiring a personal trainer to get you back into shape can be a life-changing experience. This is a great time to focus on career goals and other achievements.

It may not feel like it right now, but it is possible to break free and get your life back on track. Now that you have a winning plan of action at your disposal, it’s time to make things happen.

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Literary Pieces

Five foot eight

Will you date someone who doesn’t conform to the standards you set? What if – by breaking these standards – it means you find the one you’re looking for?

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Photo by Oliver Schwendener from Unsplash.com

It’s raining again today.

Much to my dismay, I see the sky outside my window. Bleak. Gray. And even with the negative illusion of my dark room that should show that one tiny window as a square of light, it’s more like a faint projection on a blank wall of a Serbian art house film.

I check the clock, it’s barely past seven in the morning, and I will myself up from the sticky, oppressive heat of my bed, which despite the best efforts of my poor, ancient, and overworked air-conditioning unit, feels more like an electric griddle set on low than the dreamy softness that grinning salesboy promised when I bought these sheets. Another day off to a rip-roaring start, to be sure.

Stumbling across my room into the small lav in what could probably be the unsexiest pair of pajamas ever known to man, I flipped a switch and heard a soft moan and a rustle in the bed I just left.

Right. Anton spent the night.

I took a piss, relishing the sound of a steady stream make contact with the toilet water, hoping it would drown out the soft sound of the rain against my window. As I relieved myself, I started to trace back my steps last night.

***

“Anton.”

“Terry.”

He smiles: “Like, ‘Wag mo akong ma-Terry Terry!

We laugh. Mental note: Please don’t do that, like ever again.

“Mike said you’d be here on time. Sorry, I was caught up in traffic.”

Not an excuse for being almost 40 minutes late, but whatever. “It’s alright, I work in the building, so I went down when I could and I figured I could read a bit while waiting.”

He plops down on the sofa directly across me. He’s totally not what our mutual friend Mike said he would be. For one he’s NOT 5’10’, more like pushing 5’8” tops. As a tall-ish guy (About 6’ tall), I do try to date people within my height range.

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“What are you reading?”

“Some stuff for work.” He makes a face.

“Really, put those away, you’re off the clock, right?”

I put my papers back in my bag. I will concede this point. “I’m sorry. You have my undivided attention.”

He takes a sip from the bottle of beer that somehow materialized in front of him at one point. “Good. I have been reading up on the Queen and her deliciously sordid relationship with Camilla Parker Bowles and Kate Middleton.”

“Oh really now? And?”

“I haven’t made my mind on it as of the moment.” He continues. Looking dead straight into my eyes.

I confess, I averted my gaze.

“So how do you know Mike?”

“I knew Michelle from college, when they got married, I was dead set against it. Mike is just too short for Mich.”

It took all the strength I had in me not to laugh in his face.

“Anyway, Mike seems to have taken it upon himself to overhaul my sex life, so he offered to introduce me to you.”

I take a sip from my drink, and arched my eyebrows. “And why would he do that? Is there something particular about your sex life that needs fixing?”

He laughs and pats his belly. “I seem to have an awful knack of devouring the souls of all I come across, at least in his estimation. I work in advertising, so I guess he’s right.”

“So tread carefully is the name of the game, is it?”

“You can say that. We can also call it bad publicity and fake news.”

“You sir, are a hot mess it seems.” I raise my drink to him with a slight smirk.

“And you sir, are not in a better place, believe me.” He raises his beer and gently clinks it against my glass.

***

I take off my pajamas and step into the shower. I turn the tap and turn around to let the water run in cold rivulets down my back. I wonder what fresh hell awaits me back at the office.

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I hate Mondays. As Garfield would say, but unlike that goddamn cat, I actually have a reason to hate it. I start to lather up my hair and beard, and I work my way down. Making quick work of washing up the sticky scent of sweat, gunk, and sex. I took care to wash that nasty business back there. I never enjoyed being on the receiving end of penetrative sex: it always makes me uncomfortable the next day. Like legitimately makes me feel out of sorts: like my back is all out of alignment. If it’s a psychological thing, or an age thing, I don’t know exactly: but I keep forgetting to stretch before getting into it. And I have a theory that this hamster is trying to kill me by jackhammering me every time we meet.

***

“So, Terry: Apart from your riveting work as an auditor for one of our country’s finest banking institutions, and a possible history of homicide involving your ex-husband’s mistress, what should I know about you?”

“Very funny, something tells me, that is your favorite movie.”

“If it is, will you hate me?”

“No. I wouldn’t. But you will be judged. Though I haven’t really seen it.”

“Then I am judging you. Maricel Soriano is a national treasure.”

I snort. This conversation is absurd.

“Oh, mock me all you want. It doesn’t make you superior. Sexier, perhaps, but not superior.”

I snort again. Loudly. People from the other table look at me.

“Okay, significantly less sexy. Are you retarded?”

We both laugh.

“I must say you are turning out to be so much more vexing than Mike initially led me to believe.”

He smiles, “Well, I do try.”

***

“Room for one more?”

I turn my head and open my eyes to look at him, framed by the door.

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“Don’t be ridiculous. This shower wouldn’t fit us both. Go read a magazine or something. I’m still pondering the secrets of the universe.”

He doesn’t listen (as always), and proceeds to slowly peel off his clothes: First that ratty t-shirt, and then those boxer briefs. I stare at him, taking in the lurid little striptease. He steps into the shower and I feel the coarse brush of his chest hair against my back. His arms, thick and strong envelop me in their embrace.

“So troublesome. Must you invade my every waking moment?”

“I intend to invade every inch of you. Must you protest so vigorously every time I do?”

His hands begin to unravel each excuse, each justification. I feel the heat rising in my body for the first time today, as I felt his cock firmly press in between my thighs. I turn around, not without much difficulty, in the small space we now share, and I face him. His eyes glow like obsidian, his lips taste like cocaine.

And 5’8″ seems to be the perfect height after all.

***

“Go ahead. You can say it. Mike warned me about your height preference.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I made a mental note to kill Mike later.

“It’s not a requirement.”

“That’s good to hear. It would’ve been a shame, you know.”

“Why?”

“Because I only date people who are 6’ and taller. So you’re the perfect height. If we don’t hit it off, I’ll have to find some other giant to climb.”

“Given that the average height for our people are around 5’8″…”

“Ouch.”

“That implies that you don’t get to climb very often. How do I know if you can climb well enough?”

“Oh I can climb pretty well, thank you very much. You’ll just have to trust me on that.”

“Well, we’ll see.”

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