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5 Secrets of good communication with your ex-spouse if you have children

Getting divorced, the two people cease to be husband and wife for each other, but it must not be forgotten that for a child, they remain to be mom and dad. They remain to be parents forever.

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With a divorce, in a family where there are children, often a change of roles occurs. In a conjugal family, there are specific, clear roles (i.e. mom, dad and child), but then after a divorce, the roles change, so that everybody could get confused. For instance, if dad starts living separately from everyone, mom may put him in the position of not the father, but the older brother – like: “Go, take a walk, look after the baby.” Then there’s the “weekend dad” who may entertain the child, but in the eyes of the mother, does not bear almost any responsibility for the kid; and that’s bad.

According to OnlineDivorce statistics, more often, such a change of roles is initiated by the women, who still are more often awarded primary custody than their ex-spouses. So, unfortunately, women often consciously provide unnecessarily tough conditions regarding father’s communication with children. They usually give their former husbands a child only for a particular time (an hour or two, only once or twice a week), and only for entertainment. Men are still quite often denied the right to continually take care of the children, to seriously engage in their education, or their moral and cultural development.

There are several reasons for this.

First, severe restrictions for communication between father and child sometimes act as a variant of the influence, even manipulation. That is, in some cases, such humiliation of the ex-husband, who is obliged to comply with some certain rules, satisfies the wife’s thirst for revenge.

But at the same time, the removal of the former spouse from close contact with the child may also be due to a far more reasonable cause. In cases where one of the parents is an abuser or addicted to alcohol, drugs, et cetera, it is clear that the other parent with whom the child remains loses confidence in such a person, and tries to protect the son or daughter.

However, in such cases, even the court claims that contact with this parent can be harmful and is not in the best interest of the child. These are cases when sole custody (both physical and legal) can be awarded.

In other situations, regardless of the personal issues of the former spouses, it is considered that communication with both parents is essential for the child, which means parents must learn to negotiate and cooperate even after the marriage is dissolved.

Parental Alliance: How to Minimize the Effects of Divorce on Children

Divorce is a sad phenomenon. When love, or that the husband and wife considered love, leaves, then for the spouses and their children, there comes a challenging time. Not a single child can be happy when his father and mother stop loving each other and break up. This must be realized always when you are on the verge of a divorce, and that you may want to consider to stop it.

But if the spouses have already split up, then it is essential to avoid the confusing concepts in thoughts, words and deeds. Getting divorced, the two people cease to be husband and wife for each other, but it must not be forgotten that for a child, they remain to be mom and dad. They remain to be parents forever.

Realizing this fact, not being spouses, the parents continue to be partners in matters of raising the child. And no matter who has physical custody of the child, the father and mother are equally responsible for the kid’s future.

Very often, parents are well aware that it is necessary for a child to communicate with both dad and mom. But they do not understand such an important thing for the healthy, full-fledged personal development of the child, it is equally important that the parents communicate with each other about the child. That is what can be called parental alliance.

Responsible divorced spouses with children, when building new relationships after breaking up, do not think about themselves, about their own ambitions, benefits, feelings, but about the welfare of their children. 

According to GoodTherapy, such a breakdown of the relationship between parents, when they refuse to cooperate and to create a joint parental strategy, is extremely harmful to the child’s mental health. The consequences may be reflected in his behavior, in the violation of mental functions, such as attention, memory, perception and communication skills.

So, whether there is an amicable relationship between you and your ex right now or not, you can learn step by step how to make things right for the sake of your child.

Tips For Good Communication

Realize, understand, remember: “I am in charge of the psyche and happy life of my child.” The way your child’s relationship with the other parent develops is also your will and responsibility. If your ex is not interested enough to maintain a healthy relationship and communication with the child, then you can also inspire and form this communication and relationship yourself. As for non-custodial fathers, not all dads know and understand how to behave with a child and ex-wife right after a divorce. The ex-husband himself may be shocked and do not know what to do.

So, whether there is an amicable relationship between you and your ex right now or not, you can learn step by step how to make things right for the sake of your child.

Here are a few tips of good communication which should help you.

1. Leave behind all your grudge against your ex, the words left unsaid, and self-absorption.

All communication with the former spouse after the divorce is only about your child, and nothing more. You can’t stop resenting your spouse? Go to a psychologist with this problem, just as you would go to the dentist with a toothache.

2. Decide how you see the future relationship of the child and another parent.

The child needs to feel that mom and dad do not blame him for divorce. Also, do not say bad things against your ex in front of the kid. Unfortunately, this is the most frequent parents’ mistake, but a child in no case should think that he must take sides.

3. Think of what is the purpose of your communication with the former spouse and stick to it clearly, acting within the borders.

For example, “I communicate with my ex-spouse because…

  • I want the child to know that he still has a father (mother) who loves him and has not disappeared, but has only changed his/her geographical position.
  • I want the ex and child to communicate at any time, and for this, we need to coordinate the schedule and trust each other.
  • I want the child’s dad (mom) to be well-informed about the kid’s life…” and so on.

4. Your ex should make sure that your communication is safe for him/her, and that your messages do not have a dirty trick in the form of a desire to control his/her life.

If the spouse does not call, start chatting via messenger about how the kid is. The short text may just be like: “The son is fine, he sends you regards. Call him later” is quite enough. Leave behind the rantings, do not blame, do not ask questions about how he is, or how can he even sleep, if he doesn’t even know what’s going on with the child, et cetera.

The purpose of these messages is “the child should know that the dad/mom is aware of his life,” and not a demonstration of your offense or an attempt to manipulate. You create a connection between the child and his parent, and that’s it.

Your ex should get used to the fact that the news about the child is exactly the news about the child; that the dialogue will not end with reproach or claim.

5. Make a well-detailed parenting plan and follow it.

Do not rush while preparing a parenting agreement in a divorce. Parenting plan is a necessary arrangement which may significantly ease your future life. Even if you prefer a DIY divorce or online divorce option, do not spare money for divorce mediator who can help to make a really working and mutually beneficial parenting agreement. In addition to custody issues and establishing of the visitation schedule, this arrangement may cover any subject you wish. Rather strict but a real method to avoid a lot of disputes and misunderstandings in the future.

NEWSMAKERS

Tech-related jealousy is real… including LGBTQIAs

According to the Pew Research Center, about one-third of LGB partnered adults whose significant other uses social media report that they have felt jealous or unsure in their current relationship because of how their partner interacted with others on social media (versus 22% of straight people who say this).

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Social media can be a source of jealousy and uncertainty in relationships – especially for younger adults.

This is according to a Pew Research Center study (with the survey conducted in October 2019, though the study was only released recently) that found that, indeed, many people encounter tech-related struggles with their significant others.

In “Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age”, Pew Research Center noted that “younger people value social media as a place to share how much they care about their partner or to keep up with what’s going on in their partner’s life.” However, “they also acknowledge some of the downsides that these sites can have on relationships.”

Twenty-three percent (23%) of adults with partners who use social media say they have felt jealous or unsure about their relationship because of the way their current spouse or partner interacts with other people on social media.

Now get this: the number is higher among those in younger age groups.

Among partnered adults whose significant other uses social media, 34% of 18- to 29-year-olds and 26% of those ages 30 to 49 say they have felt jealous or unsure in their current relationship because of how their partner interacted with others on social media. This is definitely higher than the 19% of those aged 50 to 64 who say this, and 4% of those ages 65 and up.

The insecurity is also common among those not married – i.e. 37% of unmarried adults with partners who are social media users say they have felt this way about their current partner, while only 17% of married people say the same.

Women are reportedly more likely to express displeasure with how their significant other interacts with others on social media (29% vs. 17% for men).

Meanwhile, college graduates are less likely to report having felt this way than those with some college experience or a high school degree or less.

And yes, LGBTQIA community members are no different.

According to the Pew Research Center, about one-third of LGB partnered adults whose significant other uses social media report that they have felt jealous or unsure in their current relationship because of how their partner interacted with others on social media (versus 22% of straight people who say this).

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Lifestyle & Culture

4 Signs you suffer from anxiety and how to treat it

Here is a list of the symptoms to watch out for and how to get relief.

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Did you know that anxiety disorders are the most common types of mental illnesses in the United States of America? In fact, it is estimated that approximately two in every ten adults are affected. If you think that you might be one of them, you are probably wondering what your treatment options are.

Here is a list of the symptoms to watch out for and how to get relief. 

You struggle with insomnia 

Anxiety and stress lead to the release of strong stress hormones that can drastically impact your ability to both fall asleep and stay asleep. This insomnia often sets off a vicious cycle of fatigue throughout the day combined with dreading going to bed at night, which only exacerbates your worries. 

You constantly feel nervous 

Most people diagnosed with anxiety report feeling consistently nervous, ‘on edge,’ or restless. These feelings are not always associated with events but become a part of daily life regardless of what they are doing or where they are going. 

You notice a wide array of physical symptoms 

Along with feeling jittery and nervous, you might also notice a few physical manifestations of anxiety. For example, many anxiety sufferers will experience an increased heart rate, shortness of breath, profuse sweating, shaking hands, weakness, and certain stomach problems. 

You cannot rationalize with yourself 

Have you noticed that no matter how much you try to tell yourself that you are overreacting or to remind yourself that everything is going to be fine, your symptoms still do not dissipate? This is a sure-fire sign that anxiety is present. Anxiety is not rational, and it can be challenging to control it without outside help.

Treatment options for anxiety 

There is no doubt that one of the most effective solutions for the treatment of anxiety is CBD or hemp oil. The relief brought about through the ingestion or inhalation of CBD or hemp oil is due to the powerful natural agents working wonders on re-balancing your brain chemistry. There are both animal and human studies that corroborate these benefits, so it is definitely worth giving it a try to see if it helps you. Luckily, it is very easy to buy ready-made CBD/hemp oil (although costly) or to buy bulk hemp seeds and start growing the plants yourself at home. 

Other treatment options to consider for anxiety relief include meditation, finding a proper outlet for stress, cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and hypnosis. Many of these therapies are about trial and error, so be sure to try them all to find out which one works best for you. 

In some cases, simply talking to a therapist or a psychologist can help you to learn productive coping strategies for getting your feelings of anxiety under control. 

Once you are aware that your anxiety is playing a key role in your life and influencing you negatively, you can proceed to take action. Here’s hoping that you will find a worthwhile source of relief sooner rather than later.

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Health & Wellness

Binge drinkers beware, ‘Drunkorexia’ is calling

Excess alcohol consumption combined with restrictive and disordered eating patterns is extremely dangerous and can dramatically increase the risk of developing serious physical and psychological consequences, including hypoglycaemia, liver cirrhosis, nutritional deficits, brain and heart damage, memory lapses, blackouts, depression and cognitive deficits.

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Mojito, appletini or a simple glass of fizz – they may take the edge off a busy day, but if you find yourself bingeing on more than a few, you could be putting your physical and mental health at risk according new research at the University of South Australia.

Examining the drinking patterns of 479 female Australian university students aged 18-24 years, the world-first empirical study explored the underlying belief patterns than can contribute to “Drunkorexia” – a damaging and dangerous behavior where disordered patterns of eating are used to offset negative effects of consuming excess alcohol, such as gaining weight.

Concerningly, researchers found that a staggering 82.7 per cent of female university students surveyed had engaged in “Drunkorexic” behaviors over the past three months. And, more than 28 per cent were regularly and purposely skipping meals, consuming low-calorie or sugar-free alcoholic beverages, purging or exercising after drinking to help reduce ingested calories from alcohol, at least 25 per cent of the time.

Clinical psychologist and lead UniSA researcher Alycia Powell-Jones says the prevalence of Drunkorexic behaviours among Australian female university students is concerning.

“Due to their age and stage of development, young adults are more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors, which can include drinking excess alcohol,” Powell-Jones says. “Excess alcohol consumption combined with restrictive and disordered eating patterns is extremely dangerous and can dramatically increase the risk of developing serious physical and psychological consequences, including hypoglycaemia, liver cirrhosis, nutritional deficits, brain and heart damage, memory lapses, blackouts, depression and cognitive deficits.”

She added that “certainly, many of us have drunk too much alcohol at some point in time, and we know just by how we feel the next day, that this is not good for us, but when nearly a third of young female uni students are intentionally cutting back on food purely to offset alcohol calories; it’s a serious health concern.”

The harmful use of alcohol is a global issue, with excess consumption causing millions of deaths, including many thousands of young lives.

In Australia for instance, one in six people consume alcohol at dangerous levels, placing them at lifetime risk of an alcohol-related disease or injury. The combination of excessive alcohol intake with restrictive eating behaviors to offset calories can result in a highly toxic cocktail for this population.

The study was undertaken in two stages. The first measured the prevalence of self-reported, compensative and restrictive activities in relation to their alcohol consumption.

The second stage identified participants’ Early Maladaptive Schemes (EMS) – or thought patterns – finding that that the subset of schemas most predictive of Drunkorexia were ‘insufficient self-control’, ’emotional deprivation’ and ‘social isolation’.

Powell-Jones says identifying the early maladaptive schemas linked to Drunkorexia is key to understanding the harmful condition.

These are deeply held and pervasive themes regarding oneself and one’s relationship with others, that can develop in childhood and then can influence all areas of life, often in dysfunctional ways. Early maladaptive schemas can also be influenced by cultural and social norms.

Drunkorexic behaviour appears to be motivated by two key social norms for young adults – consuming alcohol and thinness.

“This study has provided preliminary insight into better understanding why young female adults make these decisions to engage in ‘Drunkorexic’ behaviors,” Powell-Jones says. “Not only may it be a coping strategy to manage social anxieties through becoming accepted and fitting in with peer group or cultural expectations, but it also shows a reliance on avoidant coping strategies.”

It is recommended for clinicians, educators, parents and friends to be aware of the factors that motivate young women to engage in this harmful and dangerous behavior, including cultural norms, beliefs that drive self-worth, a sense of belonging, and interpersonal connectedness.

“By being connected, researchers and clinicians can develop appropriate clinical interventions and support for vulnerable young people within the youth mental health sector,” Powell-Jones says.

Worth highlighting: Alcoholism is a big issue in the LGBTQIA community.

A 2017 study found that bisexual people had higher odds of engaging in alcohol use behaviors when compared with people from the sexual majority. This study also found that bullying mediated sexual minority status and alcohol use more particularly among bisexual females.

Still in 2017, another study noted higher levels of alcohol use among men who have sex with men (MSM), which is closely associated with intimate partner violence (IPV). The same study found that over half of MSM experienced IPV, and just under half of MSM perpetrating IPV themselves, including physical, sexual, emotional or HIV-related IPV.

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Travel

A first for Central America, Costa Rica legalizes marriage equality

Costa Rica is now the 28th UN member state to recognize marriage equality.

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Photo by Jose Pablo Garcia from Unsplash.com

#Loveislove

Costa Rica has formally – and finally – legalized marriage equality, after a landmark court ruling came into effect.

In 2018, Costa Rica’s constitutional court ruled that a ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional and discriminatory. The country’s parliament was given 18 months to legislate on this, or else the ban will be automatically overruled.

May 25, Monday, marked that deadline.

In a tweet following this, Costa Rica’s President Carlos Alvarado Quesada said: “Empathy and love should from now on be the guiding principles which will allow us to move forward.”

Quesada took office in May 2018, and his campaign promised to legalize marriage equality.

https://twitter.com/CarlosAlvQ/status/1265160738936631296?s=20

Costa Rica is now the 28th UN member state to recognize marriage equality.

Also in a tweet, Victor Madrigal-Borloz, the U.N. Independent Expert on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity — who is also from Costa Rica — said that this is “an extraordinary moment of celebration and gratitude to the work of so many activists, and of quiet reflection of the loves of those who lived without seeing this moment.”

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Health & Wellness

Greater availability of non-alcoholic drinks may reduce alcohol consumption

The findings suggest that interventions to encourage healthier food and drink choices may be most effective when changing the relative availability of healthier and less-healthy options.

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Photo by Joyce McCown from Unsplash.com

People are more likely to opt for non-alcoholic drinks if there are more of them available than alcoholic drinks, according to a study published in the open access journal BMC Public Health.

A team of researchers at the NIHR Bristol Biomedical Research Centre, and the Universities of Bristol and Cambridge, UK found that when presented with eight drink options, participants were 48% more likely to choose a non-alcoholic drink when the proportion of non-alcoholic drink options increased from four (50%) to six (75%). When the proportion of non-alcoholic drink options decreased from four to two (25%), participants were 46% less likely to choose a non-alcoholic drink.

Dr Anna Blackwell, the corresponding author said: “Alcohol consumption is among the top five risk factors for disease globally. Previous research has shown that increasing the availability of healthier food options can increase their selection and consumption relative to less healthy food. To our knowledge, this is the first study to demonstrate that increasing the availability of non-alcoholic drinks, relative to alcoholic drinks in an online scenario, can increase their selection.”

Participants in the study completed an online task in which they were presented with a selection of alcoholic beer, non-alcoholic beer and soft-drinks. The drink selections included four alcoholic and four non-alcoholic drinks, six alcoholic and two non-alcoholic drinks or two alcoholic and six non-alcoholic drinks. 808 UK residents with an average age of 38 years who regularly consumed alcohol participated in the study.

When presented with mostly non-alcoholic drinks, 49% of participants selected a non-alcoholic drink, compared to 26% of participants who selected a non-alcoholic drink when presented with mostly alcoholic drinks. These results were consistent regardless of the time participants had to make their decision, indicating that the findings were not dependent on the amount of time and attention participants were able to devote to their drink choice. The findings suggest that interventions to encourage healthier food and drink choices may be most effective when changing the relative availability of healthier and less-healthy options.

Anna Blackwell said: “Many licensed venues already offer several non-alcoholic options but these are often stored out of direct sight, for example in low-level fridges behind the bar. Our results indicate that making these non-alcoholic products more visible to customers may influence them to make healthier choices. The market for alcohol-free beer, wine and spirit alternatives is small but growing and improving the selection and promotion of non-alcoholic drinks in this way could provide an opportunity for licensed venues to reduce alcohol consumption without losing revenue.”

The authors caution that as the study measured hypothetical drink selection online, results may differ in real-world settings. Further studies are needed to determine how the relative availability of non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks impacts the purchasing and consumption of alcohol in real life.

Alcoholism is a big issue in the LGBTQIA community.

In 2017, a study found that bisexual people had higher odds of engaging in alcohol use behaviors when compared with people from the sexual majority. This study also found that bullying mediated sexual minority status and alcohol use more particularly among bisexual females.

Still in 2017, another study noted higher levels of alcohol use among men who have sex with men (MSM), which is closely associated with intimate partner violence (IPV). The same study found that over half of MSM experienced IPV, and just under half of MSM perpetrating IPV themselves, including physical, sexual, emotional or HIV-related IPV.

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Travel

Calgary officially bans ‘conversion therapy’

The so-called “conversion therapy” is now illegal in Calgary in Canada, with the city council voting 14-1 to approve a bylaw that bans the practice. Businesses that break the law by offering the practice for a fee will face fines up to $10,000.

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Photo by Blake Guidry from Unsplash.com

Rainbow rising in Canada.

The so-called “conversion therapy” is now illegal in Calgary in Canada, with the city council voting 14-1 to approve a bylaw that bans the practice. Businesses that break the law by offering the practice for a fee will face fines up to $10,000.

“Conversion therapy” is the most widely-used term used to describe practices attempting to change, suppress or divert one’s sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. It is also called reorientation therapy, reparative therapy, reintegrative therapy, or, more recently, support for unwanted same-sex attraction or transgender identities.

Medical associations are critical of this practice – e.g. the World Psychiatric Association criticized these as “wholly unethical,” and the Pan American Health Organization warned that they pose “a serious threat to the health and well-being of affected people.” The Canadian Psychological Association and the World Health Organization also oppose the same, stating that it poses a “severe threat to the health and human rights of the affected persons.”

Other countries already deal with this, including Malta, Ecuador, Germany, Brazil and Taiwan. Still other countries are in the process of banning the practice, including Australia, Canada, Chile, France, Ireland, Mexico, New Zealand, Spain, and the US.

With this development, Mayor Naheed Nenshi was quoted as saying: “There are forces of anger and hatred that our gender and sexually diverse brothers and sisters have to deal with every single day. Sometimes in this job, sometimes we get to just do what’s right.”

Approximately 47,000 LGBTQIA Canadians underwent some form of “conversion therapy”, according to a Community Based Research Centre study.

To date, five Canadian provinces and eight other Alberta municipalities have taken steps to ban the practice. A federal ban is also in the works.

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