I was already fine until that day in the coffee shop when my friends and I were throwing questions at each other. I thought, I really thought, that we had a tacit agreement never to talk about that one thing that would immediately silence me in conversations.
“I answered your questions, now let me throw one: what happened to her?” my friend asked, and as fast as a raindrop falling on my glasses while staring at the dark skies I turned my head away.
Some say that it may be my karma for leaving someone, but I would always say “no.” I left because ending the lies of a relationship was easier – like how a gunshot would be better than slowly watching blood drip from the sides as I hold a dull knife plunged into it.
It was the only time I let someone in on my thoughts as I confessed “I like you.”
I liked her for being someone who understands the value of silence in a conversation. I liked how she would grab a bottle of water from my hand to help me carry it as if it was actually a whole gallon I was carrying. I liked how she brought simple surprises in my routine like fetching me, driving me to where I was supposed to be and staying for hours as I wait for my friends. I liked how she would call me in the middle of the night and kept the line open even if we were not even talking.
These are things my friends never did to me. It was amusing and scary at the same time. Sometimes I regret the day attending the fateful lunch. I had a very predictable life until she sat across where I was that day.
One day I decided to ask her: “Where do I stand?” I received a legitimate response after a week. It was through an SMS, though I was waiting to see her as I have initial thoughts about it and readied myself for a much awaited graceful let down. Reading the message felt like holding an egg under my palm against a wooden table and listening to the sound of it rolling gently until the entire eggshell cracks.
My 2013 was a mess. It really was something worth forgetting, but she came. She came along with all the tough lessons I would have to endure and keep on remembering:
- Special treatment (e.g. fetching you at 1:00 AM and driving you home) can also be given to friends, not just one person who assumes she is special.
- Never assume (e.g. you are getting what seems to be a special treatment) unless otherwise stated.
- Thoughts are to be kept in your head and not to be said out loud.
- It is okay to be angry at that person, but in the end you will later on realize she could actually be a nice friend who could eventually drive you home at 1:00 AM even if you live in a nearby province.
- Answers may not all be affirmative, but asking will save you lots of aches.
- Time is something you do not own, hence you can never “have time,” but you can always “make time.”
- You will eventually get used to that piercing feeling whenever you would see her photo and time will come when you will be numb enough not to bother.
- No one deserves second hand love.
- Do not be awkward.
- Live and let live.