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How I came out… to myself

Gee Cruz shares key lessons learned from “some academic nerdy process of researching, which I will be accounting as these steps may help anyone who needs a little guidance” in coming out.

It has been an ongoing joke around my circle of friends when I recently came out to my friends that they knew all along that I am “special”. How it happened involved some academic nerdy process of researching, which I will be accounting as these steps may help anyone who needs a little guidance:

Step 1: Search for Photos. As I was doing a little work for a throwback Thursday post for Facebook, I figured that I have always had a short haircut – short as in I had a boycut in grade school, high school and which just grew a little in college.

Step 2: Check the Closet. I have a walk-in closet in my room, but it is full of boxes for skates, helmet, safety gears and game console. It also houses a pair of wedge sandals, four sneakers and five flats. There a a few date dresses and multiple shirts with the same design, but of various colors. I am such a lazy shopper. My underwear all look pretty normal – push-up bras because my breasts are my assets and cotton panties (except for the few flirty ones I used during dates, of course).

Step 3: Have an Inventory of Your Friends. Okay, my two bestfriends are gay and my other very close friend is bisexual. I have a couple of straight friends who are openly against homosexuality, and there are those few who I may consider allies and would always tell me to admit my homosexuality to myself.

Step 4: Go Back to Your Previous Relationships/Dates. I only had one boyfriend and I remember that there was a time when I somehow gave him a hint that I may be gay. I told him I used to have female crushes. When he left me before our second anniversary, I was left alone to contemplate (other than being angry at him and wanting to crush his balls for making me feel like a giant turd). To add, the thought of seeing a male’s member appalled me. It is a dangling, rubber-like object compared to its supple female counterpart.

Step 5: Research. If there is something I am good at, it is data mining, a.k.a. researching. I am the resident stalker and investigator. I can get data when I badly need it, hence homosexuality is something that was a lot easier for me to research on given the numerous avenues. The L Word (TV series) was my starting point and I related so well with Dana who was immediately killed in the program to my dismay. It exposed me to a world of lesbians who did not all look like guys (yes, I had that stereotype when I was still starting). Then there came the actual paper and online research because of my unending need to classify myself – what kind of a lesbian am I?

Step 6: Classify. Well, some may not be comfortable to be classified, but I am the obsessive-compulsive type. I like order in my life – I like classifications. In the previous step I was able to have an overview of what I was getting myself into at that time. Knowing what type I am would definitely pacify me. So I made a checklist. Based on step 2, plus that I still dream of finding that perfect jeans and little black dress, I am attracted to highly confident females and I still do a chunky check on men, right there and then, I could pass as a bisexual.

Step 7: Get a Support Group. This was probably and still is the best mechanism that I am using. I have a support group other than my bestfriends. Of course, I needed people outside of my social circle who can give me a different perspective. I used Craigslist. Yes, the free advertisement website. I published articles about my struggle and even my first heartbreak caused by a woman. To my surprise, a lot responded and I ended up meeting some of them. The funny thing was we somehow knew each other. Each one is a friend of a friend of a relative or close to that idea. We are interconnected by this common theme in our lives. It feels nice to know that there are people who understand my situation – that although they know about me, a big portion of my life is still hidden to the people closest to me, i.e. my family.

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Step 8: Admit It. June 14, 2013 was the date I acknowledged this reality. After this date, I am amazed how people would approach and tell me, “You seem to be more confident and daring now.” Being true was a big help.

Written By

Gee Cruz, 28, is a human resource practitioner and a graduate student. She may probably be called a fool for regularly booking flights and hotel accommodations abroad, but would never really show up on the date itself because a good movie is being shown on TV. However, she never misses a year without her trips to Boracay and Zambales where she would spend days of sleeping - trying to get the "work wrinkles" off her forehead. She could be one of the most socially awkward person you will ever know, but it is ironic that she would agree to meet up strangers from Craigslist.


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