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How to speak with your partner about your sexual fantasies

The strangest thing is that, in most cases, two people who feel absolutely free to take off their clothes in front of each other are afraid to talk about their feelings and fantasies.

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At the moments when love and desire mix into one boiling substance, we rarely feel uncomfortable to undress in front of our partners. We feel as if we were the closest people on earth. The strangest thing is that, in most cases, two people who feel absolutely free to take off their clothes in front of each other are afraid to talk about their feelings and fantasies.

What is the reason for this? Why is it much easier to denude one’s body but not the soul? There might be many reasons that prevent us from speaking up about sexual fantasies with our partners. In this article, you will learn how to start doing it.

First and foremost, why?

Indeed, why should you talk about your fantasies? Many sexologists and psychologists (including father Freud, of course) say how important it is not only to talk but to make the fantasies real. Sex is a very important part of human life. But no partners are born 100% sexually compatible with each other.

Both of you build compatibility step-by-step. Talking is one of the most important building materials for it. Telepathy does not exist, and your partner will never guess what you want unless you tell them. Be honest about every fantasy you have. What do you want: to get some toys, to buy sex dolls, or maybe to try a new place? You are the only person who knows it. Talk about it.

Maybe if you start talking about your fantasies, the partner you have will feel that they can speak up to? Make sure you not only talk but also listen. And never judge.

With the topic of judging, we are moving forward to one of the reasons why most people are so afraid to tell about what they truly want in sex. For many years the society has told us how bad and shameful sexual relationships are. Then, while becoming adults, we started to think that the desires we have are also bad, and they should be kept uncovered.

If you really think so, you are mistaken. The fact that your friends or family members don’t talk about sex doesn’t mean that they don’t have it. Many people are doing things in bed that would seem unusual for you, but not so many of them talk about it in public.

The fantasies you have are normal. Once you admit it, it will be much easier to share them with your partner. Also, you might have the thoughts that the person you love can judge you for what you want to do in bed. You might think that they will stop loving you after you share your secrets.

Most likely, they will only appreciate that you are opening up and telling them about the very intimate thoughts you have. It will also help your partner feel comfortable with sharing their fantasies. You’re not the only one who has them, right?

Once you learn to talk about what you want in sex, your relationships will be brought on a completely new level. It might take some time and even courage, but it’s worth your while.

Another very important step is to make the person you love to understand the fact that you want to try something more in sex doesn’t mean that you don’t like it the way you have. Make them be confident that your wishes for the experiments in bed don’t stem from the fact that you are bored with your sexual life.

If the person you love wants to try something new, don’t take it as an offense too. You should also understand that he or she having fantasies doesn’t mean that you don’t give them enough pleasure in bed. 

If, in the beginning, it’s challenging to start talking about new things you want to try in bed, there are still many ways to share your fantasies. For instance, you can play a couple of games such as writing the things you desire on the pieces of paper and then reading what your partner has written can be very interesting.

Also, there are many apps created for couples who want to open up for each other and talk about the most intimate thoughts they have. Indeed, sometimes you need someone or something to help you start talking about sex.

The most important and, probably, difficult is the beginning. Once you start talking about your sexual fantasies, it will become easier and easier to speak up. Both you and your partner should understand the importance of being honest about your desires and not keep them secret.

So, it always takes some courage to start talking about your sexual fantasies with a partner. What if he/she will not understand it? What if they will not like it? What if my fantasies are wrong and shameful? These thoughts probably come to anyone who has a dichotomy whether to share their intimate thoughts or not.

But telling the partner about what you want is very important for your happiness as a couple. Just remember to abandon the idea that you will be judged and never judge your beloved one, be willing to open up, and never assume that what if the person you love wants something new in bed is the sign that you don’t satisfy them anymore.

Be honest with your partner and yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk about things you want in sex and make the person you love to feel comfortable while speaking up. Build compatibility by yourself, and don’t expect the miracle to happen.

Love Affairs

How women and men forgive infidelity

If partners feel the relationship is threatened by the cheating, it’s harder for them to forgive – regardless of their gender.

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Photo by @thoughtcatalog from Unsplash.com

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons that heterosexual couples break up. Researchers who have studied 160 different cultures find this to be true worldwide.

However, men and women look at different types of infidelity differently.

Men usually regard physical infidelity – when the partner has sex with another person – more seriously than women do.

Women regard emotional infidelity – when the partner initiates a close relationship with another person – as more serious.

Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

“We’re surprised that the differences between the sexes weren’t greater. The mechanisms underlying forgiveness are more or less identical between genders,” says Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology’s (NTNU) Department of Psychology.

He has co-authored a new article – “Breakup Likelihood Following Hypothetical Sexual or Emotional Infidelity: Perceived Threat, Blame, and Forgiveness” – in the Journal of Relationships Research. The article addresses infidelity and the mechanisms behind forgiveness.

A research group at NTNU recruited 92 couples for the study. These couples independently completed a questionnaire related to issues described in hypothetical scenarios where the partner had been unfaithful in various ways.

One scenario describes the partner having sex with another person, but not falling in love.

In the other scenario, the partner falls in love with another person, but does not have sex.

So how willing are people to forgive their partner? It turns out that men and women both process  their partner’s infidelity almost identically.

Most people, regardless of gender and the type of infidelity, think it unlikely that they would forgive their partner’s infidelity.

Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

“Whether or not the couple breaks up depends primarily on how threatening to the relationship they perceive the infidelity to be,” says first author Trond Viggo Grøntvedt, a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology.

The more threatening the infidelity feels, the worse it is for the relationship.

Whether partners believe the relationship can continue also depends on how willing they are to forgive each other, especially in terms of avoiding distancing themselves from their partner.

Of course, great individual differences exist, even within each gender. People react differently to infidelity, according to their personality and the circumstances.

“A lot of people might think that couples who have a strong relationship would be better able to tolerate infidelity, but that wasn’t indicated in our study,” says Professor Mons Bendixen at NTNU’s Department of Psychology.

Another aspect plays a role in cases of emotional infidelity, where no sex has taken place. To what extent can the unfaithful partner be blamed for what happened?

If you willingly have sex with another person, it pretty much doesn’t matter whether you feel it’s your fault.

“The degree of blame attributed to the partner was linked to the willingness to forgive,” says Bendixen.

The relationship is at greater risk if the partner is required to bear a big part of the responsibility for ending up in an intimate relationship with someone else.

“The blame factor doesn’t come into play when the partner is physically unfaithful,” Grøntvedt says.

If you voluntarily have sex with someone other than your partner, it’s more or less irrelevant whether you think it was mostly your fault or not. Possible forgiveness does not depend on accepting blame.

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Love Affairs

When it comes to happiness, what’s love got to do with it?

People often think that they need to be married to be happy, so we asked the questions: Do people need to be in a relationship to be happy? Does living single your whole life translate to unhappiness? What about if you were married at some point but it didn’t work out?

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Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Unsplash.com

How accurate was William Shakespeare when he said, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”?

Researchers from Michigan State University conducted one of the first studies of its kind to quantify the happiness of married, formerly married and single people at the end of their lives to find out just how much love and marriage played into overall well-being.

The study – published in the Journal of Positive Psychology – examined the relationship histories of 7,532 people followed from ages 18 to 60 to determine who reported to be happiest at the end of their lives.

“People often think that they need to be married to be happy, so we asked the questions, ‘Do people need to be in a relationship to be happy? Does living single your whole life translate to unhappiness? What about if you were married at some point but it didn’t work out?,'” said William Chopik, MSU assistant professor of psychology and co-author of the paper. “Turns out, staking your happiness on being married isn’t a sure bet.”

Chopik and Mariah Purol, MSU psychology master’s student and co-author, found that participants fell into one of three groups: 79% were consistently married, spending the majority of their lives in one marriage; 8% were consistently single, or, people who spent most of their lives unmarried; and 13% had varied histories, or, a history of moving in and out of relationships, divorce, remarrying or becoming widowed. The researchers then asked participants to rate overall happiness when they were older adults and compared it with the group into which they fell.

“We were surprised to find that lifelong singles and those who had varied relationship histories didn’t differ in how happy they were,” said Purol. “This suggests that those who have ‘loved and lost’ are just as happy towards the end of life than those who ‘never loved at all.'”

People often think that they need to be married to be happy, so we asked the questions: Do people need to be in a relationship to be happy? Does living single your whole life translate to unhappiness? What about if you were married at some point but it didn’t work out?

While married people showed a slight uptick in happiness, Purol said the margin was not substantial — nor what many may expect. If the consistently married group answered a 4 out of 5 on how happy they were, consistently single people answered a 3.82 and those with varied history answered a 3.7.

“When it comes to happiness, whether someone is in a relationship or not is rarely the whole story,” Chopik said. “People can certainly be in unhappy relationships, and single people derive enjoyment from all sorts of other parts of their lives, like their friendships, hobbies and work. In retrospect, if the goal is to find happiness, it seems a little silly that people put so much stock in being partnered.”

Photo by @rdslav from Unsplash.com

If someone longs for a lifelong partner to start a family and build a happy life together, Chopik and Purol’s research suggests that if that individual isn’t completely happy to begin with, getting married won’t likely dramatically change it all.

“It seems like it may be less about the marriage and more about the mindset,” Purol said. “If you can find happiness and fulfillment as a single person, you’ll likely hold onto that happiness — whether there’s a ring on your finger or not.”

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Love Affairs

How social media makes breakups that much worse

Before social media, break-ups still sucked, but it was much easier to get distance from the person. But now, it can make it almost impossible to move on if you are constantly being bombarded with reminders in different places online.

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Photo by Cristian Dina from Pixabay.com

Imagine flipping through your Facebook News Feed first thing in the morning and spotting a notification that your ex is now “in a relationship.” Or maybe the Memories feature shows a photo from that beach vacation you took together last year. Or your ex-lover’s new lover’s mom shows up under People You May Know.

Scenarios like these are real and not uncommon, according to a new University of Colorado Boulder study exploring how breaking up is even harder to do in the digital age.

“Before social media, break-ups still sucked, but it was much easier to get distance from the person,” said Anthony Pinter, a doctoral student in the information science department and lead author of the study published in the journal Proceedings of the ACM (Association for Computing Machinery).”It can make it almost impossible to move on if you are constantly being bombarded with reminders in different places online.”

The research team recruited participants who had experienced an upsetting encounter online involving a break-up within the past 18 months and interviewed them for over an hour.

Among 19 who underwent in-depth interviews, a disturbing trend emerged: Even when people took every measure they saw possible to remove their exes from their online lives, social media returned them – often multiple times a day.

“A lot of people make the assumption that they can just unfriend their ex or unfollow them and they are not going to have to deal with this anymore,” said Pinter. “Our work shows that this is not the case.”

News Feed, the primary interface that opens when one launches Facebook, was a major source of distress, delivering news of ex-lovers announcing they were in a new relationship. In one case, a participant noticed his roommate had already “liked” his ex’s post. He was the last of his friends to know.

Memories, which revives posts from years’ past, was equally heart-rending, with one participant recalling how a sweet years-old message from his ex-wife popped up out of nowhere delivering an “emotional wallop.”

Even when someone unfriends their ex, if a mutual friend posts a picture without tagging them in it, that picture may still flow through their feed.

Many shared stories of encountering exes via their comments in shared spaces, such as groups or mutual friends’ pictures.

“In real life, you get to decide who gets the cat and who gets the couch, but online it’s a lot harder to determine who gets this picture or who gets this group,” said Pinter.

In 2015, Facebook launched the Take A Break feature, which detects when a user switches from “in a relationship” to “single” and asks if they want the platform to hide that person’s activities. But people like Pinter, who don’t use the Relationship Status tool, never get such an offer.

“Facebook doesn’t know we broke up because Facebook never knew we were in a relationship,” he said.

Even when someone unfriends their ex, if a mutual friend posts a picture without tagging them in it, that picture may still flow through their feed.

And even when they blocked their exes entirely some reported that the ex’s friends and family would still show up on Facebook as suggestions under People You May Know.

“Am I never going to be free of all this crap online?” asked one exasperated participant.

The research stems from a larger National Science Foundation grant award called Humanizing Algorithms, aimed at identifying and offering solutions for “algorithmic insensitivity.”

“Algorithms are really good at seeing patterns in clicks, likes and when things are posted, but there is a whole lot of nuance in how we interact with people socially that they haven’t been designed to pick up,” said Brubaker.

The authors suggest that such encounters could be minimized if platform designers paid more attention to the “social periphery” – all those people, groups, photos and events that spring up around a connection between two users.

For those wanting to rid their online lives from reminders of love lost, they recommend unfriending, untagging, using Take a Break and blocking while understanding they may not be foolproof.

Your best bet, said Pinter: “Take a break from social media for a while until you are in a better place.”

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Love Affairs

Four dating rules to try

Here are some dating rules that you could consider in this modern world, where the world is your oyster. There is no right or wrong, you just have to find out what you prefer and what works best for you.

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If you’re single and ready to mingle, then the dating world can feel quite daunting for some, as well as overwhelming. If you have been with someone for a while and then broken up, you’re likely to be new to all of the apps and online dating scene, which is obviously rife at the moment due to coronavirus. You might also be thinking about what you do and don’t want, and what dating rules you want to have.

With that in mind, here are some dating rules that you could consider in this modern world, where the world is your oyster. There is no right or wrong, you just have to find out what you prefer and what works best for you. You do you, boo.

IMAGE SOURCE: PIXABAY.COM

Date multiple people

Even if you’re all for monogamy, there is no reason to be doing so in the early stages. Dating a few people at once helps you to see what is out there, and the things that you do or don’t like in a partner. If you find someone that you like, and it is mutual, then things can go from there. But to start with, it helps to not be so emotionally invested in one person, just in case things stop or you suddenly get ghosted. When you are even slightly attached to someone, then the sting from the disappointment is real. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket to start with, and it will do good things for your emotional well-being. 

Keep dates short

Whether online or offline, it is a good idea to keep dates fairly short. Keeping them under two hours means that you have enough time to talk to someone and get to know them, as well as help you to feel a spark if there is one. At the same time, it helps you to not get carried away imagining different scenarios in your head. A dinner date that then turns into an all-night movie marathon can be fun, of course, but it can be confusing, as well as it being upsetting if nothing more comes from it. Take it easy on yourself and take your time with dates; there is no need to rush.

Get online

Online dating isn’t going to be for everyone. But for finding people and chatting to people, using dating apps and even things like gay chat lines can be a good way to dip your toe into the water, so to speak. If you are newly out then it can be a positive thing to do, as you embrace who you are and what dating is like. Even if nothing comes from it, talking, getting to know people, and having fun, is what it is all about. 

Know what you want

It is important to be clear with yourself to know what you want and what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long-term thing, then you need to be clear about that. Just looking for a fling? That’s fine too, but be honest with yourself and with who you are dating. Otherwise, you could get hurt, or could end up hurting someone else in the process.

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Love Affairs

How to comfort your partner when they are stressed

If there is anything worse than experiencing these emotions yourself, it is seeing your significant other struggling with copious amounts of stress, whether it is work-related or not. It can rub off on you, as people sometimes tend to absorb their partners’ feelings and emotions.

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Stress and anxiety are both completely normal parts of life. They’re annoying as hell, and they surely aren’t healthy, especially if you’re subject to those feelings on a daily basis. Not only does it tamper with your mental health, but it also has a very negative impact on your overall well-being. 

If there is anything worse than experiencing these emotions yourself, it is seeing your significant other struggling with copious amounts of stress, whether it is work-related or not. It can rub off on you, as people sometimes tend to absorb their partners’ feelings and emotions. The feeling of helplessness is also one that accompanies these moments – it seems like there is nothing you can do to help your loved one, especially since you’re not the cause of the problem. 

Prolonged periods of increased stress can be detrimental to your relationship. It can creep into your plans for the weekend or even your sex life. How are you going to be able to go on that city break to Vienna if all your partner can think about are their issues at work? Not to mention getting together to try out the “best penis extender” you’ve recently ordered online – it’s impossible to explore your mutual kinks if one of the minds is constantly preoccupied with something else. 

So what can you do to help your significant other relax and relieve some of their stress while being considerate of their thoughts and feelings? Follow this guide to find out what you should and shouldn’t be doing when trying to get your partner out of an emotional rut. 

Talk About It – Or Don’t 

The willingness to immediately discuss problems and crises as soon as they come up is a very personal and individual matter. Some people expect their life partner to come to the rescue and play the role of a therapist – talk everything out to find the root of the issue and come up with a solution. On the other hand, a lot of men and women prefer to sit on these things for a while and think everything through before opening up about them. Finally, there are those who simply don’t want to bother their partner about these issues – a lot of the time, and they are the ones that need help the most. 

Before you decide to confront your loved one about their feelings and offer a helping hand, probe them, and figure out whether it’s actually the best approach. Sometimes talking about stuff that triggers their anxiety is the last thing they want to do. In those cases, it’s better to simply avoid the topic and lend your support in the form of providing your boyfriend or girlfriend with a good time. 

Blow Off Some Steam 

Regardless of whether you’ve talked about the demons plaguing your stressed-out partner or decided to leave it be, for now, the next step towards comforting them is entertaining them with fun activities that will surely help them take the edge off and relax, even if just for a little while. 

Studies have shown that one of the best ways to overcome crippling stress and anxiety is physical activity. In order to help your significant other, you should come up with fun and creative ways to actively spend your free time. It can be anything from a long bike ride, going for a swim or getting together with your friends to play team sports. Another surefire method to physically exert yourselves is getting down and dirty in the bedroom – not only will it get the two of you to move around more, but it will also help your partner relax thanks to the most powerful, natural stress reliever known to mankind – the orgasm. 

Be There For Them 

When your significant other is dealing with increased stress and anxiety levels, one of the worst things you can do is to detach yourself emotionally from them. Don’t get confused with the earlier advice about giving them their much-needed space – these two are very different. Emotional detachment is a way for you to escape the drama and worries related to your loved one’s problem, whereas giving them space is simply letting them be alone whenever they need it. 

Even when you decide that it’s best to leave your partner with their own thoughts for a while, you should be sure to let them know that you’re always available if they want to talk or even just sit in silence together. 

Staying emotionally available and offering up support for your significant other is an absolutely crucial element of comforting them when they’re most stressed. A large part of being in a relationship is knowing that you can rely on the other person when things get rough. 

Final Thoughts 

Dealing with your life partner’s elevated levels of stress is a very delicate matter. While you don’t want to invalidate their feelings by encouraging them to “get over it,” you shouldn’t let them sulk in their own worries indefinitely, either. If you really want to help them, stick around, observe their mood, offer up your time and, most importantly, your ears – if you can’t listen to each other, you can never hope to help each other deal with these kinds of issues. 

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Love Affairs

4 Ways to build a strong intimate relationship

If you’re looking for ways to enhance your relationship with your partner, here are the best ways to build a strong intimate relationship.

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After the spark fades in a relationship, few things keep it going like, trust, respect, and most importantly, intimacy. Intimacy is about bonding with your partner, not only sexually, but emotionally as well. To build a strong relationship, both of you should understand, know, and accept each other for who you are. However, it all starts with you.

Many people ask for intimacy, but don’t understand how they can provide it to their partners as they were never taught how to do so. Intimacy is what provides the passion and warmth in a relationship, which is why it’s important to build a strong intimate relationship to ensure that you’re going to have a healthy life with your partner. 

If you’re looking for ways to enhance your relationship with your partner, here are the best ways to build a strong intimate relationship.

1. Create Quality Time 

Being able to open up and talk with your partner about any topic you want creates an unbreakable bond. Start with yourself and share your thoughts and feelings so your partner starts opening up as well. Sharing your thoughts at the end of the day with your partners is the most important aspect when you’re looking to build an intimate relationship.

You should be able to trust your partner and vice-versa. You can achieve that by creating some time at the end of each day where you two can talk about your feelings and thoughts without being judged. This will make your significant other trust you and open up to you about how they really feel. This way, if there’s anything that is upsetting them, they will communicate it right away.  

2. Get to Know Each Other 

Many people create assumptions when it comes to a relationship or knowing what their partner wants. You may assume that a certain act makes your partner happy, while in fact, it doesn’t. Such assumptions create boundaries between both of you and make it harder to communicate, which could destroy a relationship. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, it’s never late to start asking questions to know them better. Don’t be shy to ask what your partner enjoys in bed and communicate with them what you enjoy as well. This men’s guide to become better in bed can also help you have a better understanding of what your partner might need and what you should do to improve yourself.

You should also work on enhancing emotional intimacy in the relationship. Ask your significant other questions about their life, past relationships, and their parents. This will help you know what makes them happy and what doesn’t, what they think about the relationship, and to know how you can create a safe space for them. You should avoid assuming anything about your partner or your relationship and ask as many questions as you want.  

3. Listen Carefully

A lot of people believe that they’re good listeners, while they’re not. There’s a huge difference between hearing the other person talking and actually listening to what they’re saying. When your partner is talking, listen carefully with the intention to understand and not the intention to reply.

By carefully listening to your significant other, you will be able to know them better, know their likes and dislike, and you’ll be able to avoid many fights

4. Love Yourself 

You will not be able to love your partner and build an intimate relationship if you don’t love yourself. You should understand yourself completely so you can know what you can provide and what you want in return. When you’re stressed, unhappy, or unhealthy, you will not be able to give your all in the relationship, and in return, you will not receive what you want. A healthy relationship starts with you. Each one of you should be happy on their own so you can build a strong relationship. To achieve that, you should set a weekly time when you don’t focus on anything but yourself. 

Building a strong intimate relationship may not be an easy task, but it can be easily achieved when you communicate with your partner and understand what each one likes and dislikes. Know your significant other by asking many questions about their lives and create a safe zone where both of you can talk freely without being judged. Your safe zone will allow you to enhance the sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship as both of you will have a better understanding of what the other person needs. However, you must avoid making assumptions about your partner or the relationship. An assumption could create unnecessary boundaries, which causes many problems.

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