The arguments against and for beauty pageants continue to rage on. On the one hand, there are those who would (rightfully) argue that pageants disempower particularly candidates (and even the viewers) through their objectification as they try to emulate an established “set” of often Western-defined notion of what’s beautiful. But on the other hand, there are those who would defend the “power” (over their bodies, personhood, et cetera) that the contestants choose to wield by joining these pageants.

And even while the discourse continues, Miss International Queen 2015 Trixie Maristela sees joining a pageant, and eventually winning a title as a means to push an advocacy. 

In her case in particular, it is to highlight the relevance of education to empower the members of the LGBT community. “Beauty can influence people,” Maristela said, somewhat succinctly, but also realistically. “But education is power.”

MAKING A NAME

Maristela was a regular beauconera (beauty pageant contestant) prior to joining Miss International Queen in Pattaya City, Thailand. She won, for instance, the (erroneously named) Miss Gay Manila also in 2015, and “Eat Bulaga’s” Super Sireyna Philippines beauty pageant in 2014.

But when she became the second transpinay to win Miss International Queen (after Kevin Balot), “members of the LGBT community from different parts of the world took notice,” she said.

With that attention also came an awakening… that she can do so much more for the community.

“It fueled me to work harder and show everyone how great we can be if we will not be limited and if we will be allowed to be who and what we want to be in life,” Maristela said.   

THOSE WHO CAN, TEACH

Maristela believes in the value of education.

“(Education) gives you a voice that actually matter,” she said. “People will listen (when you’re learned). And I guess that is what the transgender community needs – so that everyone, especially non-LGBT people, will lend their ears and listen to our stories.”

Maristela is currently finishing her Master’s Degree in Professional Accounting in Australia; afterwards, she plans to do more volunteer works for LGBT Filipinos.

It can be argued that while education is integral, accessing it can be a challenge. The Human Rights Watch, for instance, stated that LGBT students across the country experience bullying and discrimination in schools because of their sexual orientation and gender identity. This – along with lack of economic capacity, among other reasons – forces many LGBT youth to discontinue or take their education for granted.

This is why for Maristela, despite the obstacles that you may encounter when it comes to education, finding a way to gain access to it is important. “Education, regardless what academic degree you (end up taking), can help you be more in life,” she said.

LENDING A HAND

Getting educated may also be informal – e.g. Maristela, for one, believes that learning can happen from “idea sharing”, so that she hopes she can also “coach young transwomen on how to empower themselves, be respect(ed), and be able to speak up so that their voices will be heard,” she said.

This is particularly important for her because the Philippines “continues to lag behind our neighbors like Taiwan and Australia, which are more progressive in terms of gender-related topics.” Maristela noted that to date, the Philippine government does not even provide any form recognition, much more protection of the rights of LGBT Filipinos.

And because there is still a lack of tangible support for Filipino LGBTs, Maristela believes that Pride ought to be taught, and this Pride “can be as basic as having the dignity and self-esteem whenever we go outside – knowing that we are productive beings and we contribute something to the society.”

So Maristela wants particularly the younger LGBT Filipinos to “keep your head up high and never be ashamed of who you are. Now is the high time to forge unity among our ranks. Show love and understanding, even to those who don’t understand us. Never let anyone bring you down. We are strong and resilient; and yet patient. We are all loved.”

And again, Maristela may be speaking as a beauty queen, but one who is aware that Pride can be taught by moving beyond the stereotypical beaucon narratives.

This is part of #KaraniwangLGBTQIA, which Outrage Magazine officially launched on July 26, 2015 to offer vignettes of LGBT people/living, particularly in the Philippines, to give so-called “everyday people” – in this case, the common LGBTQIA people – that chance to share their stories.
As Outrage Magazine editor Michael David C. Tan says: “All our stories are valid – not just the stories of the ‘big shots’. And it’s high time we start telling all our stories.”

Charm Ison, 28 from Taguig, was christened ‘Charmaine Anne’ as a kid when she was assigned female at birth.

“I was nine or 10 years old when I had my first menstruation and my breasts started developing,” Charm recalled. “That was also the time when I noticed my ambiguous genitalia.”

Charm mentioned this to his Mom “but she just ignored me. (So even then) I hid what I am.” Even then, “people… did not understand the way I see/perceive myself.”

Charm was actually not delivered by a doctor but by a midwife.

“My Mom didn’t reach the hospital; she delivered me in a clinic. My aunt (who was there) told me I was (assigned) female at birth. But she said that even then, she noticed my ambiguous genitalia,” Charm said.

The eldest of six children, Charm’s parents separated. So his aunt adopted him, and his grandmother raised him.

While growing up, Charm asked his aunt to elaborate on the “ambiguity” she observed, “but she told me not to get checked because we don’t know what will be done to me.”

A WORLD OF CONFUSION

Charm recalled that when he was young, “they asked me: What do you want to be when you grow up? They made me wear girls’ clothes, but I wanted boys’ clothes. They gave me Barbie dolls, but I wanted to play with balls and toy guns.”

And so perhaps not surprisingly, while growing up, “I hid my identity by identifying as a lesbian. But the moment I could think for myself, I already thought of myself as a man, acting as one.”

But Charm was – in a word – confused.

In Grade 6, Charm had a masculine haircut and joined a gang/fraternity. And then in high school, he grew his hair long and tried to be more feminine “even though I really felt I’m a man,” he recalled, adding he “tried everything. “I even joined a beauty pageant. And onstage, I acted feminine… I even entertained male suitors. But after these, behind the scene… when I leave the stage, when no one sees me, I still acted masculine. I couldn’t hide what’s in my heart.”

NOT ALONE

One day, Charm saw a show on TV about an intersex person.

“It made me realize I am not the only one with questions,” he said. “(That) person also had ambiguous genitalia. And this made me think… (even if) my questions were still unanswered. So I still kept praying… that I’ll be okay, that I’d be normal.”

For Charm, “there was a disconnect with the way I thought of myself and my attraction, versus my physical traits. Feminine characteristics were surfacing but I saw myself as a man.”

“Let kids choose what they want to be when they grow up. Let them choose if they want to be male or female. God gave us free will to decide for ourselves.”

Charm was in college when he came out as a lesbian, though “only because that’s what I only knew. So for me, it’s easier to hide my identity by claiming to be a lesbian. At least people stop asking me about (my condition).”

And then Charm discovered an intersex group, and “I started to slowly understand this condition,” he said. For Charm, it helps to be with people experiencing what he’s experiencing; and “I can be honest in this group.”

So that now, “I’m now trying to be comfortable/at ease with this. So that even if people discover I belong to the intersex community, I hope they will accept me.”

FACING CHALLENGES

Life hasn’t always been easy, said Charm.

“There are instances when they belittle you; when they underestimate you,” Charm said. “But this didn’t hinder me. I show to them that even if I’m like this, I can do anything that others can do, male or female.”

Even now, only some people know of Charm’s condition.

“Many people think I’m a lesbian. And for now, this is fine with me. Because I don’t know if people will accept me the moment they know I am hiding something about who I am,” he said.

Charm added: “People are only used to binaries – e.g. male and female, gay and lesbian. But now, intersex people are surfacing. Hopefully people will become more aware of (intersex conditions). And for people to accept that people like us also exist.”

ONGOING STRUGGLE

Charm told his Mom about his condition, “but she doesn’t understand it.” Even his aunt, who helped raise him, “she still doesn’t understand this. Actually, my aunt didn’t even want me to join an intersex group. She’s worried my life will be scrutinized.”

But now with people who share the same experiences as he does, and “even if our conditions are different… belonging to a group makes me happy.”

To date, Charm still hasn’t undergone tests to check his intersex condition. “I need to save a lot of money to get myself checked,” he said. “I also have a lot of questions. Can I bear children? Can I impregnate? Is it possible to change the gender marker in my birth certificate from female to male so I can marry a woman? I still want to be able to marry a woman.”

But self-awareness has dawned at least.

“This is me; and I want to know and discover myself. It is my right to know who/what I really am,” Charm said.

“If you choose to be male or female, affirm/uphold it. Follow your heart. Don’t be afraid to be true to yourself.”

LET PEOPLE BE

“To younger intersex people going through what I’m going through, have faith in yourself. Show who you really are. Don’t be afraid to know who you really are. If you choose to be male or female, affirm/uphold it. Follow your heart. Don’t be afraid to be true to yourself,” Charm said. “We need to show who/what we really are.”

But this struggle isn’t for intersex people alone.

“To (parents of intersex people), let your child decide for himself/herself. When these kids grow, they will have their own perspectives/perceptions. Let these kids choose what they want to be when they grow up. Let them choose if they want to be male or female. God gave us free will to decide for ourselves,” Charm said.

And parents who want to ‘fix’ their children while still young should not “have them undergo surgery. Because when they grow up, they may choose a different sex to the one assigned to them; or different sex characteristics may develop. Their life will be wasted. Let them grow up first, think for themselves, and decide for their future,” Charm ended.

This is part of #KaraniwangLGBTQIA, which Outrage Magazine officially launched on July 26, 2015 to offer vignettes of LGBT people/living, particularly in the Philippines, to give so-called “everyday people” – in this case, the common LGBTQIA people – that chance to share their stories.
As Outrage Magazine editor Michael David C. Tan says: “All our stories are valid – not just the stories of the ‘big shots’. And it’s high time we start telling all our stories.”

When Bex, now 37, was growing up in an Islamic community in Marawi City in Mindanao, she remembered how things were “pretty… should I say oppressive? In that place, if you’re not Muslim, you’re the minority. And you’re not allowed to dress a certain way. Or speak a certain way. We were in our homes by 6 P.M. because we had to be careful because everyone was a target. That was the environment there.”

She said that without the benefit of hindsight, “it was ‘normal’ for us. But now that I’ve grown up, I’m realizing it really wasn’t normal.”

There was this feeling of “confinement”, of “suffocation” that stays on.

And so when she had a chance, Bex moved to Cagayan de Oro City; and then – eventually – to Cotabato City.

LETTING PEOPLE BE

Bex said she knew “for a very long time that I’m not straight. As early as six years old, I knew that something was different.”

When she was in high school, she already started experimenting. “At first I dated women. But it didn’t stop there. And so at some point – I guess it was already in my early 30s – I decided that I don’t confine myself in the gender binary.”

Now, Bex said “I accept myself as a pansexual.”

Bex had to come out. “I think (that was) in my mid-20s. I think my Dad already figured it out when he was still alive, when I was still in high school. But we didn’t talk about it. But then when my Mom sort of had that confirmation that I was seeing women, she didn’t take it very well. She thought I was just acting out. At some point… maybe she was blaming herself, trying to make sense of it all. At this point I don’t even think she’s fully accepting. Just tolerating it, and living with it.”

But Bex now says that “if people can’t accept that, I’m not saying it’s a problem. But if they don’t understand it, then they should learn. If they want to understand it, then they should learn about it. I mean, if you’re not open to the idea of pansexuality, so be it. I guess you just have to let people be themselves.”

FOCUS: PANSEXUAL

“I don’t fall in love with a person’s body parts. I fall in love with their soul. To me, that’s how I see, how I view pansexuality as,” Bex said.

She understands that “it can be confusing to other people who are on the outside looking in. Before, people even told me I’m just being selfish; like I just want the whole buffet,” she said, somewhat sardonically. “But I guess it’s not about what other people think. It’s what you are at peace with. You know, being accepted by other people is one thing, but the most important thing is that you accept yourself.”

Even now, “you don’t really feel free to tell everyone who you are. You don’t really feel – all the time – that you’re safe. So, of course, I still need to be careful,” Bex said.

Bex said she didn’t “literally come out, telling people that I’m gay. At that time I only told people, ‘Oh, I’m dating this person.’ I guess it got confusing for them, too, because I didn’t only date women. They saw that I dated men. I also dated a gay man. So I think it was necessary for me to tell people that this is what I identify as.”

HEAD OF A FAMILY

Bex has a younger sister; 10 years younger than her.

“I’m not sure how it was for her (when I came out) because for a very long time – because of my sexuality – I detached myself from my family, including her,” she said.

But when her sister started attending college, “I made a decision to take her under my wing.”

At that point in time, too, their mother had to leave the country.

“I don’t fall in love with a person’s body parts. I fall in love with their soul. To me, that’s how I see, how I view pansexuality as.”

Recently, Bex learned that her sister has “very strong feelings about gay people. Like, she would say that it’s not fair that gay people can’t marry. She would say that it’s not fair that gay people are having such a hard time. She understood what my struggles were,” she said, misty-eyed. “She understood what my struggles were (while) growing up and having to look for a family elsewhere because I didn’t feel like I was accepted (by) my own (family).”

NEW LIFE

“I actually gave in to a friend’s request to come see Cotabato. I had very low expectations,” she said, adding that she initially thought Cotabato City would be similar to Marawi City, which she left because it was stifling.

But when she arrived in Cotabato City, “it was actually very different. I (would) travel and I’ll just wear shorts; short shorts. In Marawi City, everyone would look at you if you’re wearing skimpy shorts. But here, it’s just normal for them. Also, what amazed me was that I saw a lot of gay people; like… loud and proud gay people.”

As a graphic designer who does most of her work online, “I can take my job anywhere I go. (This) made it easier for me to move to Cotabato just like that.”

Actually, coincidentally, “a couple of months (after checking Cotabato), I met someone on Tinder (dating app). Coincidentally, (she) was living in Cotabato City. So we met up a month later in Cotabato City. And (another) month later, I moved to Cotabato City.”

WANTED: INCLUSIVE RAINBOW

Bex thinks that “right now the LGBT community is growing; the (number of) letters (in the acronym) is growing. So they’re just putting (the plus sign) on it. But there are still people who need to feel that they are included. That they’re part of this community. That it’s not just for the ones (represented by the available) letters on the acronym,” she said.

There may be others who used to also feel trapped as she once did.

And so Bex said: “My message to the members of the LGBTQ+++ community who are still trying to find themselves is that, you know, you’ll get there. It will get better. I mean, just be happy. Don’t overthink things. There are always people who will be there for you, but you have to also make an effort. Don’t play a victim, you know. There is so much in this world waiting for you. And there is so much that you can give.”

And in the end: “If they hate us, then it’s their problem. Like I’ve always said, ‘Hate is a poison that you ingest.’ So if you have hate in you, you’re harming yourself more than whatever it is you’re hating.”

This is part of #KaraniwangLGBTQIA, which Outrage Magazine officially launched on July 26, 2015 to offer vignettes of LGBT people/living, particularly in the Philippines, to give so-called “everyday people” – in this case, the common LGBTQIA people – that chance to share their stories.
As Outrage Magazine editor Michael David C. Tan says: “All our stories are valid – not just the stories of the ‘big shots’. And it’s high time we start telling all our stories.”

Andy Andres – 30 years old and the youngest of six siblings from the Province of Pampanga – was assigned female at birth. In 2008, “I had myself checked because of pain in my lower abdomen/tummy,” Andy said, adding that even then, “I was apprehensive because I may be discriminated because my condition is ‘different’.”

Even as a teenager, “I asked my mother why – even if I was already 13, 14 or 14 – I still didn’t menstruate. My breasts also didn’t develop. My mom told me to just wait. I told her my case may be different. Because based on my genitalia, mine was different.”

Andy’s apprehension to see a doctor was based on the knowledge that “when people discover you’re different, people immediately discriminate against you.”

After seeing a doctor, Andy was told of his intersex condition: congenital adrenal hyperplasia.

GROWING UP DIFFERENT

The name written on Andy’s birth certificate is ‘Marissa Andres’.

And without knowledge of the intersex condition, “I hid my identity by claiming I’m a lesbian,” Andy said, adding that in the past, “I didn’t know better.”

There was a time when “I used clothes for women, but I was never attracted to men. That may be also why I pretended I was a lesbian. At least, by pretending to be a lesbian, I can act in a masculine manner.”

Even then, though, he already identified as a man.

And even then, “my family accepted me.” But yes, there was a time when even a sibling bullied him.

Andy started using his chosen name because of work.

“In the company I first worked with, they placed me in the women’s quarter because that was the sex in my birth certificate. There, I experienced bullying. They told me my birth certificate says I’m a woman, but my breasts did not develop, and I didn’t menstruate. They asked me what I am; and I couldn’t explain my situation to them,” he said.

It was hard for Andy to even go to the toilet. “I presented myself as a man, but I went to the female toilet,” he said. “Some people even told me, ‘Maybe you’re an alien.’ It hurts. But I can’t do anything about this, so I just ignore them.”

There was also a time when Andy was rejected for a job. “They had a physical check-up, and I was rejected due to this,: he said.

Andy was “so depressed I considered killing myself. There was a time when even I didn’t accept myself.”

GROWING WITH KNOWLEDGE

After knowing he’s intersex, “initially, it was difficult for me to accept that I am intersex. I asked: ‘Of all the people, why me?’ I’m not a bad person, I did no wrong; even my family did no wrong. So why me? I was depressed.”

Andy disclosed to his family, and “I saw their expressions, they looked happy. They were happy I found the answer to a question I asked them that they couldn’t answer. They said at least it’s not my ‘fault’, unlike LGBT people. I don’t think they meant to discriminate. But they said that with me, at least I can choose (what I want to be).”

The support of family and friends helped Andy survive.

“Now, I have fully accepted my condition. There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s already here; God gave this to me. I think God gave this to me because He has a reason/purpose. God won’t do this without reason,” he said.

LIVING FOR THE FUTURE

Andy has a partner now.

“Not to boast, but I may be intersex, but I already had a number of girlfriends,” he beamed. “I don’t believe physical traits matter when looking for true love. As long as you can love the person, and that person can’t accept you, there won’t be a problem.”

Andy added: “I disclosed my condition to all my girlfriends; even before I started wooing them. If a girl doesn’t accept me, I move on. But there are some who stayed.”

Andy has yet to amend his original birth certificate because of financial issues. “So when I have saved enough, I’ll prioritize this,” he said, “to legally change the name ‘Marissa’ in my birth certificate.”

And for Andy, there’s always more that can be done.

And this starts with acceptance.

“To younger intersex people, accept who you are, what you have/are. Don’t give in to depression. If you are depressed, many can help you. Never consider killing yourself because that will be a waste. There are different ways to live (productively). No matter what you’re going through, trust God,” he said.

Andy also recognizes that haters will always exist.

“To those who mock us, continue with what you’re doing,” he said, laconically. “But I also hope they will eventually accept us. God did not only create man and woman. Because if this is so, then who created us? I hope you also see us as humans who also get hurt and fight hardships in life.”

This is part of #KaraniwangLGBTQIA, which Outrage Magazine officially launched on July 26, 2015 to offer vignettes of LGBT people/living, particularly in the Philippines, to give so-called “everyday people” – in this case, the common LGBTQIA people – that chance to share their stories.
As Outrage Magazine editor Michael David C. Tan says: “All our stories are valid – not just the stories of the ‘big shots’. And it’s high time we start telling all our stories.”

Elden Lopena, a 54-year-old hairstylist from Cotabato City, realized he’s gay when he was 16. “I just graduated from high school then,” he recalled. “I realized I’m gay when I got attracted to a male classmate, and we had sex.”

At first, Elden said he couldn’t accept he’s gay. “Gradually, I realized this makes me happy; particularly when I saw my (LGBTQIA environment). I was happy with the LGBTQIA circle I had, and this made me happy to be gay.”

Elden has three siblings (“I am the eldest”), so “it wasn’t easy for me to come out as gay. Although I knew my parents knew I’m gay, I still came out gradually.”

Elden thinks his parents really knew he’s gay when “I started hanging out in salons, and they heard of this. Later on, they (even) encouraged me to work in a salon. They told me: ‘Whatever makes you happy, do it.'”

Elden entered the beauty industry when he was in college.

“When my parents couldn’t send me to school anymore, I decided to work. Later, I realized I had to develop myself as a hairstylist. So I stopped going to school to focus on this,” he said.

It never occurred to Elden he’d be a hairdresser for life.

“When I was young, I wanted to be an engineer or a doctor. But my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school; I had to find a way to send myself to school (at first). When I discovered this industry, I realized I should just focus on this. I underwent trainings, attended seminars. By then I realized this is meant for me. I also learned to love it. Until we see we can survive, then progress comes.”

Elden opened his own salon in 1991.

“I had a small capital. I just added staff later. My (first salon) was simple – it just had a simple chair and a mirror. My initial capital was P15,000. I spent it on beautifying the area,” he said.

Elden thinks his salon worked because he focuses on satisfying his customers.

“Even if your place isn’t that beautiful, just give clients the best service,” he said.

As he is getting older, “we have to be stronger. You should enjoy life,” Elden said.

And for him, “the most important thing for us to do as we get older is to leave lessons to the young. Me, I am a hairstylist and a trainer. So I teach those who want to be in this industry; who want this line of work. This makes me happy: Training people (such as TESDA students).”

Elden said that younger hairstylists now do not have enough proper training. “We always need training to update our skills.”

As a local of Cotabato City, Elden said “there really are people who judge us because of differences in beliefs. There are different cultures in Cotabato City. Dealing with this isn’t easy for (LGBTQIA people). For instance, as a gay man, I organize shows for gays here. One time, I organized an event in this gym. Things were initially okay until I was told we couldn’t hold the show there because we’re gay. I still fought for it. But I realized we still need their understanding.”

LGBTQIA people are considered ‘haram’ (taboo) in Islam, added Elden. “To deal with that, we often just don’t react in any way. It’s better to act this way to avoid aggravating those who may have more adverse reactions to us. We respect various religions. But I also expect people to respect me as a gay person.”

Elden added: “We want people to understand our humanity. So, little by little, we educate ourselves, and we educate others… To date, people are slowly starting to better understand us… no matter their culture.”

Incidentally, Elden is also an HIV advocate, saying that “I became an HIV advocate when I found out that male-to-male sex is the main mode of HIV transmission.”

“The rate of HIV infection in Cotabato is already high… (so) we’re now trying to educate more people here about HIV,” he said.

For Elden, “as a gay person, we have to be good at what we do; we have to excel in everything. You don’t have to be mediocre just because you’re gay. Show you can do things.”

To achieve this, “first, love yourself. Look after yourself,” Elden said, adding that LGBTQIA people should “love your parents.”

In the end, “focus on respecting others so people also respect you. To younger LGBTQIA people: Life goes on. So continue dreaming. Never stop respecting others… and yourself. That way, society will accept you.”

This is part of #KaraniwangLGBTQIA, which Outrage Magazine officially launched on July 26, 2015 to offer vignettes of LGBT people/living, particularly in the Philippines, to give so-called “everyday people” – in this case, the common LGBTQIA people – that chance to share their stories.
As Outrage Magazine editor Michael David C. Tan says: “All our stories are valid – not just the stories of the ‘big shots’. And it’s high time we start telling all our stories.”

Assigned male at birth, Ruffy Yulo, 42 from Ortigas/Pasig City, was already 29 when she discovered “I’m actually intersex.”

She recalled though that, earlier, “when I was 19, when I went to the doctor, I would always get checked. The doctor would always say I have hormonal imbalance.”

But one day, when she was 29, she met a doctor in a gathering for gay and bi men. “The first time he saw me, he asked me what I was doing in that gathering.”

The doctor then mentioned to Ruffy that she may be/is intersex; and “it was the first time I heard of such a condition,” considering her sex assignment at birth.

In hindsight, though, there were “clues” in her life on her condition.

“My family actually hid it. But I don’t think it was their intention to keep it from me. I think they were also scared that society won’t understand (my situation),” she said. But she recalled that “one time, we went to the pediatrician who looked after me. I heard him say: ‘Did I not tell you in the past to fix this?’.”

And so when she was told she’s intersex, “I thought I’d just do the test (karyotyping). If I see from the test that I’m not intersex, that’s okay.”

But when Ryffy took the test, “I found out that I was actually a mosaic, I was really surprised. I was happy, but at the same time, I was also very confused.”

LIFE LIVED HARD

There was a time when Ruffu met someone who’s intersex. “That time, I thought, their case is very complicated. But their situation also made it easy for them… like explaining to those who’d mock them. I was young then; and that’s what I thought – that it was easier for them.”

But after finding out she, herself, is intersex, “it turns out I was wrong. When I found out (I’m intersex), that was when I realized how difficult it is to be intersex.”

For example, as an adolescent, “when my body started changing, I had difficulty going to the toilet. When I go to the male toilet, I would get questioned: ‘Ma’am, this is the male toilet; yours is on the other side.’ There came a point when I wouldn’t even go to a toilet anymore. I’d just contain myself, and use a toilet when I’m in a place with (gender-neutral facilities).”

And when she applies for a job, “I always get to the second interview. But when I undergo medical exams, I never get any more calls.”

Ruffy said: “There was a point in time when I felt I was alone. I felt like there was no one to talk to. It’s like even if you’re talking to a loved one, they don’t really understand you. It’s like speaking in a foreign language with them.”

BODY AUTONOMY

For most people who know Ruffy, “from the time we were classmates to the present time, they all consider me as gay. So even if I explain my situation as an intersex person, they will not understand. In fact, I tried several times,” she said.

There were times when people gossiped about her in school, for instance.

“When we were supposed to have a reunion, I was not able to attend. There were rumours that I (had gender affirmation surgery as a trans woman). That I had surgery because I just wanted to sleep around. Those were the stories that went around. But the truth was, I was already at risk for testicular cancer. That was the main reason why I had myself checked.”

The doctor who can do the surgery Ruffy needed here in the Philippines only had around 70 cases. “Unlike in Thailand, when I went there, I met my doctor and he already did over a thousand cases. In those 1,000 cases, he did (surgery) on two intersex individuals already. So I felt a lot safer (with him).”

It was a costly procedure, Ruffy admitted.

“But, you know, at that time when I did this, I didn’t have a choice. I was already at risk of having testicular cancer. And things needed to be removed. I also told my parents then that since there are many issues with my body, I wanted to fix everything in one go. At that time I was at risk to get testicular cancer, I had hernia… and there was that issue with my being intersex,” she said.

After her surgery, when Ruffy returned to the Philippines, she bled. “So I rushed myself to the hospital. There, while the doctor was checking me, I was surprised when nurses started gathering around me. They left their patients. They were all there trying to ask me several questions. I felt that the questions were irrelevant. They asked: How do you do sex? Why do you think you bled? Did you insert something inside you? Some of them I found really offensive,” Ruffy recalled. “But at that time, I had very little choice but to answer them. I thought, too, that maybe it’s for my own benefit.”

In hindsight, Ruffy said that “there (isn’t a lot of study done about the intersex condition). In fact, when I was talking to a physician, he told me that when they were still in medical school, there’s only one chapter covering this topic. What they know is so limited, so that every time they encounter an intersex person, they tend to ask a lot because it’s their only chance to get answers.”

To Ruffy, though – and she stresses this – if intersex people think that getting (non-necessary) surgery is the answer, “the solution for them to be happy, let me say this isn’t the solution. In fact I discourage intersex individuals to undergo surgery. To start, it’s costly. Secondly, it’s hard. Take my case, for instance, after undergoing the procedure, there were complications. One of the complications for me was… like I had early menopause. So the tendency was… for my bones to be more brittle.”

ON FINDING LOVE

“We know that a lot of men want someone who’s ‘normal’. They want someone who can conceive. They want someone they can grow old with… while caring for their grandchildren. This is something I can’t give,” Ruffy said.

So for a time, she didn’t date. “I mean, I also tried dating. But it’s challenging; it doesn’t work out. From the very start, even before we go on a date, I already tell them (that I am intersex).”

The doctor told her not to immediately disclose. “There was an instance after the surgery – when the doctor told me not to immediately disclose – when not disclosing gave me more problems. The guy thought I lied to him. Even if, in fact, that was not the intention.”

FINDING THE COURAGE

To younger intersex people, Ruffu said that “it’s totally normal to be scared. I will not say that you will instantly be courageous. But if you are facing hardships, these challenges are not exclusive to intersex people. Bisexuals, gays, lesbians and (even) heterosexuals – people from all spectrum, we all encounter difficulties. Perhaps it’s just more complicated for intersex people.

“But, you know, don’t limit your way of thinking that you’d amount to nothing. In fact, there are more chances to improve.”

That there will always be people who will look down on (or at least look differently at) intersex people does not escape Ruffy.

“What I learned over time is that it is the people who discriminate who have problems. They may be afraid that what other people experience, it will also be done to them. For instance, a person may say another person is not capable. It may be because that person is the one who is not capable. They are only projecting to others their lack of capability,” she said. “The truth is, if we give others a chance, there’s more to everyone (than meets the eye).”