It started when I first saw you. You were that flannel-wearing woman who sat beside me and would not even say a thing. In fact, you came in late with my friend, hence I had to talk to a total stranger which I felt I crept out a bit when I sent her an anonymous message through an application telling her “you are so near.” It ended that she was also invited to the meet up.
“Are you mute?” someone asked, but you just decided to smile as you sat there quietly. Then you did it – you reacted when we mentioned Swedish pop/rock music as if we were experts of their kind of music in Sweden. You did it again when I said that I do not like onions, but I love onions rings. Same with the ATM incident. I was reaction-less when my card fell between the steps of the escalator and you were already dictating what I should do. Yes, it sounded that way. You had that I-work-in-a-bank-hence-I-know-what-to-do tone.
I left thinking about you. You were, let me say, odd. I needed to go back to our previous conversation. “If I only have the luxury of time, I would love to join you… Hehehe.” You said when I asked if you would want to join us in Zambales. I quoted in with a reply “Good thing you were able to join this afternoon :).” Seriously, that was the last stretch I was willing to go for until you sent a positive response.
“I like you” are the three words in my head, which I do not intend to tell you for three reasons.
First, I just broke up with someone. I would be committing some social crime if I go around seeing someone new while some people know about this. There is a three-month rule that I have to observe after the break up. Why we broke up is something I will tell when the time comes that you would ask me. You have been asking me too many questions and I am fearing when that time comes and you find out the answer you will not judge me as how my bestfriends did.
Second, I am in my worst year. I was insane over someone who did not like me. One day I realized that I was so foolish. I was in a very short relationship with someone who loved me so much, but I fell short of returning the love. I will be qualified to get my master’s degree after two years because I failed a subject and people think that this is what I get from breaking someone’s heart so bad. I do not want you to think that I may be treating you as a rebound. You would be wrong.
Third, it is sad that my long-time friends have the worst impression on me – that I crave physical intimacy. Seriously, that is the last thing I want to do with you because there are so many things we could do together, but would still enjoy, i.e. road trip, surf, eat, movies, drink, get fit, etc. I just do not know how can I get out of that shadow. I have been wanting to, but the mistake I made from the past is the only thing people remember.
There are times when I find myself browsing through our conversation or recalling those very short moments in your car where we would just talk and laugh about things. There are so many things I like about you: how you could be so predictable and spontaneous at the same time; how you could be arrogant and proper; how you could be quiet in the car and raise your voice when I doubt you could do something; how you would tell stories with full body gestures and be awfully quiet whenever there are so many people. I could go on listing all these things.
I like you. If I open myself to you, you have to accept that I am the sum of the people around me, the people I have been with and the experiences I have gone through. You could be in my life, but you will never be the center of it because we should preserve our individuality. I like you – and I want to explore what happens after that.
Then again, you hate reading so I could not expect you would ever see this.