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Missing the pre-partee lover, but coming to accept the partee-loving person

“My partee-going partner was a different person before he started using, and I miss his pre-partee version. But I have to learn to live with his partee going because I choose for him to be in my life.”

Photo by Sir Manuel from

“No cooking. Just too tired to cook.”

That’s what Tar said yesterday, when – after asking what I’d prepare for lunch – I teased him with: “You cook; you used to love to cook.”

And he did, whipping up various culinary delights while reimagining recipes his mom taught him, or those he found online, or those he imagined he could make. Heck, we bought a giant Chinese wok to accommodate his experimentations (!); he made good use of that (seriously heavy) wok for some time there (at the tails of the COVID-19 pandemic).

And then he started partee-ing.

And that cooking (even the love for it, if not the very act) just stopped.

Not just the cooking, mind you. Since he seemed to have lost interest in so many other things, from crocheting to writing to reading to… again, so many others. He tends to be more “tired” now, preferring to take as much rest particularly on the days following the drug use.

Now and then, I see glimpses of what he was. Like when we’d end up discussing politics (e.g. how PDAF-scheming politicians got away with their conniving with Janet Lim-Napoles); or watch movies we can discuss (e.g. how lame Wonka really is, irrespective of the “critical acclaim” it received, and how the mainstream media’s liking of it may be seen as exemplification of mediocrity so long as it’s promoted by celebrities/people in positions of power); or learn a new language (e.g. Cebuano, which he hopes he can at least comprehend when we’d visit Cebu).

But at many times, he’d end up acting as a partee-goer. Somewhat paranoid; short fused/impatient; distracted; and prone to lying (like when he’d claim he’s doing something, when we all know he’s really with his partee-mates).

But yeah… I have learned to accept this version of Tar. Even though I miss his pre-partee version. I’d live with this partee-going because I choose for him to be in my life (and vice versa). Yet all the same, I can’t help but wish that his personal growth isn’t stalled. Though really, I can only wish… right?

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Written By

Frolic Lopez - a pen name, quite apparently - used to be (predominantly) sapiosexual (that is, he used to predominantly find intelligence sexually attractive/arousing). But then... life happened, and he discovered that he should be more 'trysexual', more open to possibilities to experience everything life can offer. He now writes - and shares - about everything life throws his way.


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