“No cooking. Just too tired to cook.”
That’s what Tar said yesterday, when – after asking what I’d prepare for lunch – I teased him with: “You cook; you used to love to cook.”
And he did, whipping up various culinary delights while reimagining recipes his mom taught him, or those he found online, or those he imagined he could make. Heck, we bought a giant Chinese wok to accommodate his experimentations (!); he made good use of that (seriously heavy) wok for some time there (at the tails of the COVID-19 pandemic).
And then he started partee-ing.
And that cooking (even the love for it, if not the very act) just stopped.
Not just the cooking, mind you. Since he seemed to have lost interest in so many other things, from crocheting to writing to reading to… again, so many others. He tends to be more “tired” now, preferring to take as much rest particularly on the days following the drug use.
I miss that “old” version of him, truth be told. When he had time, actually allocated time to be him and to better that version of him.
Now and then, I see glimpses of what he was. Like when we’d end up discussing politics (e.g. how PDAF-scheming politicians got away with their conniving with Janet Lim-Napoles); or watch movies we can discuss (e.g. how lame Wonka really is, irrespective of the “critical acclaim” it received, and how the mainstream media’s liking of it may be seen as exemplification of mediocrity so long as it’s promoted by celebrities/people in positions of power); or learn a new language (e.g. Cebuano, which he hopes he can at least comprehend when we’d visit Cebu).
But at many times, he’d end up acting as a partee-goer. Somewhat paranoid; short fused/impatient; distracted; and prone to lying (like when he’d claim he’s doing something, when we all know he’s really with his partee-mates).
None of these “worry” his drug addict buddies; they get what they want from him – i.e. his company, and so yes, his body for them to abuse when he provides them that company. None of them care, I’d say, so long as they can benefit from him/his body.
But yeah… I have learned to accept this version of Tar. Even though I miss his pre-partee version. I’d live with this partee-going because I choose for him to be in my life (and vice versa). Yet all the same, I can’t help but wish that his personal growth isn’t stalled. Though really, I can only wish… right?
