“That you’re just staying with me because you have ‘invested’ in me.”
The line my partner gave me, supposedly coming from a certain Ken, who had the “opportunity” to analyze the type of arrangement we have.
Apparently for him, considering that my partner has been having sex with other men when he does drugs with them, I only “choose” to stay with a “cheater” because I have “spent” on the relationship already (e.g. the hospital bills I paid when my partner got so sick after his drug-drowned parteemates used and abused his body for days, and then just dumped him for others to care for).
I wasn’t offended with this way of thinking, actually.
On one hand, I continue to believe in my own agency – i.e. I have opted to stay in this relationship knowing what I am getting myself into (e.g. that yeah, there will be costs due to self-inflicted stuff done by my partner).
On the other hand, “investments” are part of relationships – e.g. That entire weekend you spent on your partner? That’s an investment. That jewelry you bought for his/her/their birthday? That, too, was an investment. You paid for that expensive meal when you ate out? Even more investment.
So… there’s a need for him, not me, to revisit that analysis.
What wasn’t “offered” was the context: Ken’s also a partee guy.
And I noticed a common trait among partee people (particularly those who’ve crossed paths with my partner), and on what they tell my partner (statements that are brought up for dissection immediately post-session, while he’s going down). And that is, this focus on the negatives; on the worst things to make my partner feel bad, and even doubt himself and what he has. So that… he “stays” with them (by frequenting their places, choosing their company over me and my partner’s own family, and so on).
One partee mate, for instance, started telling my partner he is never going to be a good lover/good in bed ever again. Which could cause his relationship to break. And instead of waiting for the agony that such a break-up could cause him, he may as well jump the gun… by breaking the relationship himself. And opt to continue choosing to use drugs with this partee mate since while they’re partee-ing, all issues to do with having sex supposedly disappears.
Another partee mate kept insisting my partner will never last long in any job, that he’s “a lousy employee”. “That’s how you are,” this one supposedly repeatedly said. And then he’d lure my partner to the drug sessions during weekdays, making sure he skips work for days to even weeks. And when the firing happens, this one insists he’s correct… without considering his role on why the work was terminated in the first place. His solution, though, is to “just accept you’re no good at work”, and so “just slam with me”.
Still another partee mate kept highlighting the “flaws” he saw in my partner’s body. The weight gained. That drug user scent. Skin breakouts. And so on. Again sans accountability that he helped cause these… and more. The solution’s the same: Use more, partee more to forget what’s “wrong” in you; and use/partee with those who lob these abusive statements.
I have come to realize that among partee goers, sadness (even depression) is a currency. It is what keeps many addicted. And so the sugapa, the hopeless addicts, nurture this in others. For that fealty for them not to be left to do this on their own. And so yeah, this is what you get when you link a sad drug addict with another sad drug addict: this nonstop addiction that’s just bound to create more pain…