Sex Club Etiquettes

For this issue, pretend you didn’t read my name as it’s stated – because in the Philippines, if I go to a sex club (our topic now) with that name (and the look that, I assume, everyone assumes goes with the name), I won’t even be able to get near one; I will be denied entry (if I am able to reach the door at all).

Yes, it’s discriminatory.

And let that serve as the first note on this: In sex clubs, butch goes with butch; the one with breasts, well, they are avoided like the plague, left there to salivate after those looking unlike them.

Alas, no, this is not an attack on sex clubs (even with the promotion of internal homophobia) – let’s just take it as the “norm” (for this issue), and discuss how well you can be in one.

Let’s call this a discussion on sex club etiquettes.

1. When you go there, you are open to have sex. It isn’t called sex club for nothing, you know. It’s there because some (and I mean many) want to have quick sex, completely unattached, the kind that’s I’m-just-here-to-cum-and-that’s-that. Simply, this is a wham-bam-thank-you-sir place. Having stated this, it just means that when approached, do not – I repeat – do not be a snoot, even if you don’t like the one who approaches you. Entertain. Or at least be civil. Do not say: “I am not into fat guys” or “You want to eat my WHAT? You disgusting pervert!” Instead, say: “No, I’m not really up for THAT” or “Oh, sorry, but I already came twice” or “I’m done for the night” or whatever. You get the drift.
2. Related to above, forget looking for relationships when here. This is ALL sex (again, they didn’t erroneously name the place – it’s a SEX club, hello!). The meaningful, spiritual blah-blah isn’t here (and that’s even if some have crucifixes, though for completely different use).
3. Look good. Yes, this actually goes without saying, but, really, in sex clubs, it is always better to take the extra effort to look good; else, you’ll be stuck in the labyrinth/dark room/et cetera (or just visit on Lights Out Night) because you don’t want to be seen. Mangangaswang ka na nga lang, hindi kailangang mukha kang aswang. Of course, since you’re stripping your clothes off, anyway, wearing that P3,000 A|X shirt is a waste of time; just be sure you are CLEAN before coming over, e.g. shaved (maybe it’s just me, but I get rashes from even being kissed by men who forgot to shave) and showered and cut your nails (I don’t want my insides wounded with those fingernails) and used the toilet (who wants Pooh hanging on Dick Tracy?) and… Oh, you know what I mean.
4. Do not believe what you hear here. When someone tells you, “I don’t come here often,” he’s lying; else, the club will be empty most times. Nor should you believe: “I have fallen for you;” it just means you’re good for a quick cumshot tonight. What if somebody says “I love you?” Fuck you!
5. Related to Number 4, avoid the talking. You are here for Number 1. Grunts, moans, asking for more or for mercy, groans – these are all acceptable, nonetheless.
6. Do not make a scene – not when somebody you don’t like approaches you (See Number 1), and not even when you see your boyfriend doing it with another man (or a gang of men) there, when you accidentally bump on him while somebody is holding your hands above your head, another set of hands pushing you against the wall, as the head of someone whose face you cannot see is bobbing up and down on your crotch. Making a scene is just not civil.
7. Occasionally, spread the love. Meaning, give back to the gay community (or humanity at large). Meaning, let that old man suck on you. Remember, when you’re old and grey yourself, you would want the same consideration from the younger crowd.
8. You can die in a sex club. Short term: Those drugs, for one, take them easy. Live to be drugged another day. Long term: And those diseases you can get, yes, they’re here, too. So look after yourself.
9. Bring your own supplies. Related to Number 7, you can get something you don’t want to get in a sex club (e.g. sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDS). And since sex clubs in the Philippines are not concerned enough about the health of their clients, no free condoms and such here. So as not to spread any infections, care for yourself by bringing everything you need to have fun.
10. Keep out of the CRs – unless, of course, you really, really need to use one, or you’re a paraphiliac of faeces (a coprophiliac). Most people need the CR for real, to clean up before and after their grand acts, so, please, let them use them.
11. That private room is not your room, so let others use it, too. Otherwise, lie naked on your stomach, with your ass in the air, and be a welcome invitation to whoever – that way, THAT room doesn’t go to waste.
12. Pay attention to unspoken communication. When he starts convulsing, he’s about to come (that, or he’s having an epileptic attack), so get that dick out of your mouth if you don’t want to drink the goo; or out of your ass, unless you want some cum spill. When you join a guy with a gloved hand, this big Vaseline container in his hands, you ought to know why he’s got these things with him. And when you giggle when someone asked you: “Can I fuck you?”, you are, dearie, asking for it.
13. Try to be with company (a friend, a REAL friend), just so if/when something happens, somebody (hopefully not as drunk or stoned as you) can offer support. Of course, while inside the club, don’t over-mingle with him, everybody will see you as boyfriends (though not that this ever stops many from approaching, anyway – except that, in most cases, it is always awkward to do it with a friend, if that’s what these men expect to get from you two). Plus, unless you’re an exhibitionist like me, who couldn’t care less who watches, your friend may not want to see you doing what Nadia Comăneci did on the floor in a narrow hallway (this, too, won’t necessarily get you all 10s among those there – meaning, less men for you).
14. Remember this important lesson: The smaller you are, the more proficient you have to be sexually; the bigger you are, the less you have to do. We are all size princesses, aren’t we?
15. Just have fun. Safe fun, that is. Leave all the baggage at the door. They won’t do you any good here. So just have fun. Safe fun, of course.

No, we’re not trying to promote promiscuity here. But whether we like it or not, going to sex clubs IS a part of gay life. So we might as well protect those who do. To help promote gay expression, yes, in a fun – and definitely safe – way.

So see you at the sex clubs.