“Too often, the curiosity we have around sex and our own sexual desires is framed as negative or taboo, cloaking the topic in feelings of shame. Interpreting this curiosity through sex positivity reimagines it and dismantles the oppressive framework of taboo and judgement, instead creating space for communication and open exploration.”
Sophie Whitehead
The School of Sexuality Education
I was with this guy who only wanted to “make love” with me, not “fuck” with me. Meaning, he’d only do specific sexual stuff with me, and not everything I can think of.
For instance, he is into getting lost in each other’s eyes while the thrusting is happening. But no tying me or him in the bed allowed. Nonstop French kissing paired with the occasional cupping of the face is okay, too. But suck-kissing (like you’re sucking your partner’s soul out of him) paired with hard pulling of hair is not okay. And even deepthroating is not to be interrupted by a teary attempt to say “I can’t breathe” or by pushing away when the thrusting becomes intolerable. Instead, there’s this preference for him to stop now and then to sweetly ask “Are you okay?”.
“Nakakabastos kasi,” he said as a way of explaining his preferences.
Here’s the thing, though: He actually does those other things with other sex partners; with people he said are “just for fucking”. But since “what we have is more than that”, as he phrased it, ” I prefer doing things that won’t ‘degrade’ you.”
It was sweet. In a way. But it also wasn’t.
See… the thing is, this segregation of what’s “good” versus what’s supposedly “bad” in bed is a social construct.
I get it that some people are not into threesome; group sex/orgy; bondage, discipline and sadomasochism (BDSM); scat; double-headed dildos; DPs (double penetration); spit roast; and so on. To each his/her/their own, we say. Because there are some who prefer just doing the missionary; and only to “spread the man’s seed to procreate”. But – to stress – when done among adults and with consent, none of these ought to be seen as “bad”. They just ARE.
And this is why sex positivity should be taught, should be learned.
Because people have numerous sexual aspects, with nuances dictated by our wants and needs… and our longings and desires, and so on. And simplistically brandishing this as “bad”, as “evil”, as “abnormal”, as “unnatural” is counterproductive, and is even detrimental to personal growth. We all should be able to tackle these sans stigma, sans shame.
Because – as I told my guy – how else can we learn about each other’s bodies? Or about experimenting on what else makes the other experience things that won’t otherwise be experienced? Or how much pain the body can hold to – in the end – experience pleasure? Or the threshold of the body’s capacity prior to experiencing gratification?
Changes won’t happen immediately, admittedly – e.g. just by teasingly telling my guy to “pig me, too” (sic; though jokingly colloquially used to mean that one is asking his/her/their partner to “babuyin mo ako” (i.e. Treat me immodestly/audaciously/brazenly/brusquely/and so on). But this change has to start somewhere.
Back in the bedroom, I was wary; I didn’t know how to say “Bastusin mo ako” without sounding… yes, trashy. Though that’s also part of the point to be made; that when they so choose, people should be allowed to be saints in public and devils in the bedroom (or ladies/lads in public but whores in the bedroom).
Sapagkat ang konseptong nakakabastos ay likha lamang. And it’s time that we re-magine that. Starting with “Bastusin mo ako sa kama!”.
