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Op-Ed

Tips from a sexpert and escort on how to protect your mental health as you explore sex after bottom surgery

“When first exploring sex after bottom surgery, steer away from setting yourself specific goals, like shared orgasms. Unnecessary expectations can cause stress and anxiety. Instead, be kind to yourself and give your body time.”

By Gem Kocher (@Goddxss_Gem)

Bottom surgery is a complex process. It is demanding both physically and mentally, meaning recovery is often difficult; your body will need time to adapt and exploring sex is likely to feel daunting. However, this can be an empowering and enjoyable journey. With a little help along the way, you can work to protect your mental health whilst you navigate sex after bottom surgery.

My name is Gem and I’m a non-binary, queer feminist coach, sexpert, escort, and pro dome from Kaufmich. I also previously worked as a doula for almost nine years, helping countless families as they welcomed beautiful children into the world. Now, I serve lots of wonderful trans clients and am incredibly passionate about helping people explore sex healthily following surgery through my work as an escort. To support your journey, I am sharing my top tips:

1. Always ask for help.

This isn’t an experience you need to go through alone. Pelvic floor physical therapists and sexological bodyworkers are brilliant resources, whilst queer midwives and doulas can offer invaluable support.

It is important that you feel comfortable asking for help. This can be an overwhelming process and these professionals are dedicated to supporting people in your position. Ultimately, do what feels right for you and don’t be afraid to ask questions, you’re bound to have them!

2. Avoid specific goals.

When first exploring sex after bottom surgery, steer away from setting yourself specific goals, like shared orgasms. Unnecessary expectations can cause stress and anxiety. Instead, be kind to yourself and give your body time! Figuring out what you like and enjoy won’t happen overnight.

3. Spend time with yourself.

Investing in self-care and self-pleasure after surgery is a hugely positive step. Masturbation is a great option for anyone who’s experiencing numbness, alongside those wanting to explore their new bodies independently. You can also use toys but be gentle and listen to your body.

4. Take turns.

As I’ve mentioned, shared orgasms aren’t the be all and end all, nor should this be a goal you feel pressured to achieve! Instead, have fun by taking turns with your partner and don’t be afraid to slow things down.

5. Come equipped.

Don’t forget lube! Even if your neo bottoms produce lubrication, this will still be insanely useful. Plus, bear in mind that some great brands create condoms to fit smaller penises. Glyde Slimfit Premium Small Size, Lifestyles 3Sum, and DUREX Avanti BARE Latex Condoms are great.

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6. Encourage strong communication.

Communication is vital throughout this emotional journey. Encourage your partner to ask empowering, positive questions, such as “How does that feel?”, “What are you craving”, and “Is there anything I can do to make this even better?”. Language is crucial and by asking open-ended, supportive questions, this experience should feel more enjoyable.

If you can, I would also highly recommend developing a support network beyond each other, as this can lead to burnout. If each of you can lean on another person, be that a friend or family member, you will form a more sustainable care constellation.

7. Don’t feel pressured.

It is up to you how, if, and when you discuss your gender and surgery with potential partners. Ignore any pressure to disclose this information; you do not owe your story to anyone, and you are entitled to share this with those you trust when you feel comfortable doing so.

Equally, you may place internal pressures on yourself. Some folks cite a feeling of ‘completeness’ after surgery, with their dysphoria no longer being present. However, you shouldn’t place pressure on yourself to feel that way. It is incredibly common to still experience dysphoria after surgery, this is the weight of long-term societal conditioning and can take time to overcome. No one’s journey is identical.

No matter what, respect your body, the changes it has undergone, and love yourself. Be patient, explore sex slowly, and be open to speaking about your experience with loved ones and professionals alike. You are not alone, and support can be found in even the most unexpected of places – including through escorts like myself.

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