“I don’t know how I was able to accept I have HIV,” said Louie, 34, in Filipino. In actuality, it was – perhaps – harder for him to accept that some things in life do not last forever, “such as losing loved ones” because a former partner eventually died from AIDS-related complications.
Louie can still remember the exact date when he was diagnosed to be HIV-positive (on July 3, 2013; he was 28 then).
“I didn’t know anything about HIV then,” he said, adding that the only thing he knew was “if you have HIV, you’d already die.”
He actually didn’t have any medical condition that merited him to get tested; but his former partner had AIDS diagnosis, so he also had to get tested.
When Louie’s HIV test came out, he said he felt two things.
First, he felt happy because – following his former logic that if one has HIV, then he/she will already die – he and his former partner can then die together and “stay happy wherever we may go after death.”
But there was also sadness because if he died, then he’d leave behind his family.
At that time, Louie also had opportunistic infections – e.g. TB (which he got from his former partner). The bad thing for him at that time was his body’s non-acceptance of widely used TB meds; so he had to be issued a different med that had to be injected every now and then. This meant he had to be at his treatment hub more frequently.
It was this – the need to be at his treatment hub more often that he needed to be if only his situation wasn’t dire – that led to his resignation from work, since “I didn’t know how to inform (my boss) anymore about the frequent absence.”
It was his sister who knew first of his status; but then one morning, before he was to go to his treatment hub again, his mom confronted him. “She asked me how I was. I got nervous. Then she said she already knew; my sister told her,” Louie said.
Though her mom cried then, Louie was able to pacify her by telling her he’d be okay; and that he’s already taking his meds (LTE).
The relationship is okay now; and there are times when she’d tell him she wishes there’s a cure for HIV. But Louie said he’d kid her: “Even if there’s a cure, I doubt we’d be able to afford it; it will be extremely expensive.”
Louie said he keeps telling his mom to just “accept… and love.”
Louie is in a relationship with an HIV-negative person now (Matt). And he said that may PLHIVs think that because of their HIV status, no one will love them anymore. “That someone will only love you because if he/she doesn’t, you’d get depressed and you’d kill yourself.”
But Louie doesn’t believe this.
“This never entered my mind,” he said, suggesting for PLHIVs “just to be honest. If he/she accepts you, then that’s love. If he/she doesn’t that’s not really love; so just look for another. If he/she really loves you, whatever your HIV status may be, he/she will love you.”
