Tar’s back at using again. Quite regularly. The long breaks of many of his partee-mates (most – if not all of them – from call centers) are being spent using drugs to have sex. And so the invites have been flooding in again; and he caved/has been caving in.
Everyone’s at fault here. The addicts who keep inviting him, obviously; men who have sex with men who hide behind the veneer of professionalism to cover up their heavy drug use, even as they drag others with them in their crashing and burning. But yeah, Tar, too, is not blameless simply for agreeing.
And then there’s me (or those like me, or are in my position)… who, even if I should know better, still puts up with it all.
Everything is a learning process for me, actually. And when those we love partees, one of my realizations is how the virulence of the drug use affects not just the partee goer, but those who love him.
After a session, there’s a moment when Tar doesn’t want to go out. And he – sans saying it aloud – he “expects” that you don’t go out, too; that you spend time as he recuperates. And so you end up nursing him back to health… knowing he’s in that state because others used and abused him.
He tends to hide from his worried loved ones. And he expects you to cover up for him. When Tar disappears for days, his mother would ask me if I know where he’s at; and… I don’t tell. She’d ask, too, if I know who he’s with and what they do that takes Tar away from his family, his work, and so on; and I don’t tell, either.
He can’t make up his mind on you being there/not being there – e.g. he complains that you leave his side, but he hates it when you bump against him as he’s “too sensitive”. And he “expects” you to put up with the flip-flopping, no questions asked.
I stay. I will continue to stay. I, in fact, choose to stay. So I am bearing whatever consequence comes my way. But this is when I recognize that message, that wish for partee goers to hopefully eventually truly see that even as they hurt themselves, they also hurt those who love them…