The last time me and Tar had a big partee-related fight was years ago, when – after yet another two-to-three-day drug-addled session with his meth/shabu-slamming addicted friends – he returned home and started over-analyzing everything. This over-analysis was grounded on his guilt.
“I feel guilty.”
“I am hurting you… and I don’t feel anything by doing this.”
“It’s tiring to always say sorry.”
“I can’t live like this.”
His “solution” at that time was for us to break up… at least, he said, until he got better. But the break up would have allowed him to be sugapa (hopeless addict), though this time, he would not have felt any guilt because – technically – he wouldn’t be hurting anyone (like me).
But THAT very notion was what kept us together. Since we knew that – if I left him – I’d be feeding him to the proverbial wolves; and I’d actually end up worsening his state. This isn’t something you do to a loved one – that is, leave them when they need you the most. Besides, I knew what I was getting myself into; and I wanted him, high or not, in my life. This one was (IS) my choice.
The partee-ing has happened on many other occasions since then. It’s called addiction for a reason, yeah.
But I noticed one thing after every partee session attended by Tar: His guilt takes over, and he feels so bad that he let what happened, happen yet again, and he’d start thinking that if he can’t stop this altogether (and so stop hurting people he loves), then maybe it may be best to cut links with people who matter in his life.
He knows this isn’t going to happen. Because he is loved, so we stay.
Though even this adds to the guilt.
And so for days after every partee, he’d wallow.
And the cycle keeps repeating over and over and over again.
And which will only stop when the partee-ing stops (and so doesn’t seem like this will happen anytime soon).
Now, this is something those in relationship with a partee-goer has to expect, even accept: that every time your partee-going lover slams, you are bound to go through this “leave-me”/”I won’t leave you” cycle. This isn’t for everyone… so know what you’re getting yourself into.
