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10 Facebook boo-boos that explain why you’re still single

You’re not exactly ugly; you have a great job; you have a nice set of friends; you do not financially depend on others; you have a Siberian Husky shedding its fur in your living room; you can afford to pay for your annual #LaBoracay trips… But why, oh why, are you still single? My dear, your Facebook uploads may explain why.

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Yes, we’ve repeatedly heard about the supposed narcissism of the younger generation. We can argue all we want about this, but… if so many of the status updates/uploads in Facebook are to be the basis for this argument, then those who would like to argue against this are sure to lose.

And now that I think of it, these status updates/uploads actually also explain so many of the worries that so many face.

Such as in looking for love.

You’re not exactly ugly; you have a great job; you have a nice set of friends; you do not financially depend on others; you have a Siberian Husky shedding its fur in your living room; you can afford to pay for your annual #LaBoracay trips… But why, oh why, are you still single?

And – based on those I’ve encountered thus far – here are Facebook boo-boos that may explain why you’re still single.

  1. TMI.
    Yes, that’s for “too much information”. And honestly, I don’t think anyone would fall (for real) with someone who posts JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
    So you farted after eating camote (sweet potato) that you bought from that lady who is wearing ukay-ukay because she lives poorly some two blocks away from the house of your best friend who picks her nose when she thinks no one is watching? So you ate pancit canton for breakfast? So you decided not to report to work, pretending you’re not feeling well? So you decided not to obey your parents’ orders of doing something, deciding – instead – to lock yourself in your room? So you hate cleaning the toilet, even if it’s part of your chores?
    And so – after you post these in your wall, complete with photos – wait if someone who really gives a damn respond to your… pettiness (if not stupidity at times).
  2. Too much flesh.
    There are actually two ways to look at this.
    On the one hand, I have a friend who scans through half-naked pics of his Facebook friends, hoping to hook the next trophy boyfriend (or boy toy). So, yes, you could find a partner (even if only largely sexual) by posting those naked pics.
    But on the other hand, I know someone who wants to be respected for his brains. Not that he is ugly – he’s got the six pack to prove he’s got the body to boot, too. But the thing is, he would post all these serious statements – e.g. the need to confront the worsening plight of immigrants in Australia, the continuing discrimination encountered by same-sex couples when applying for legal documentation that could affect their immigration status, et cetera – with photos of himself in his briefs, with the contours of his… package obvious in some of these photos.
    As a friend once said: “It’s like watching Aung San Suu Kyi deliver a speech about human rights violations in Myanmar while wearing swimsuit.”
  3. Sex hunting.
    As stated above, looking for sex may be the goal; and in this case, quite easy. Pose the nudies, and you’re on the way to achieving that. But if a partner is desired (not FuBu), then a different approach may be needed. Call it the Maria Clara syndrome: but so many still box people as “those who you sleep with” versus “those who you can marry”. LGBT people – no matter that we can’t marry in the Philippines – are not exempted from this way of thinking. So you want to be considered a “walking dick”, just good to be bedded? Hunt for sex. But you want to be someone’s “partner in life”? Be more than what’s between your legs (or at least pretend – HA HA!).
  4. Selfie overload.
    Photo in bed, before you even wash your face: CHECK.
    Photo while cooking breakfast: CHECK.
    Photo while choosing clothes, showing how messy you are when deciding what to wear: CHECK.
    Photo of your hand while locking the front door of your house: CHECK.
    Photo of your shoes, which you hope won’t get dusty while you wait for public transport on your way to work: CHECK.
    Photo of your eating: CHECK. Include a photo of the receipt from the karinderya: CHECK.
    Photo of you crying when your boss reprimanded you for not working the way you should: CHECK.
    Photo with officemates at the background (them working, you posing): CHECK.
    Photo while in the toilet (complete with a view of the dirty toilet bowl): CHECK.
    Photo of your feet when you return home, with the TV at the background: CHECK.
    Photo of you in bed with your eyes closed, pretending to sleep; with your hands stretched to allow you to take the shot: CHECK.
    Total LIKES for the day: Over 1,000.
    Respectability earned: Going to zero.
    Datable partner gained: ZERO.
  5. Social climbing exposition.
    So you went to Valkyrie Nightclub, and even have a photo taken with Vice Ganda while there.
    So you have a selfie with the Binays in one of their exclusive parties.
    So you hobnobbed with the Napoles kids.
    So you were able to touch Gretchen Barreto’s bag.
    The thing is, yes, we’re just as fascinated with the rich and famous (even if the source of fame is questionable); but if your self-worth is solely dependent on crossing paths with them, then… good luck in finding love with that kind of crowd. Remember, dear, that even Angelina Jolie found self-worth not solely in being famous, but in using that fame to make actual social impact.
  1. Publicizing every failed relationship.
    We’re used to having Kris Aquino’s story pushed down our throats – including her failed relationships (the latest her “relationship” with Herbert Baustista). Her blabbering of everything has long been noted, so I won’t add to that. But let me just say this: Too much publicity may be why Kris is attracting the wrong kinds of guys in her life – i.e. either they’re in it to use her clout, or end up leaving her for fear of it. There has to be a point where self-editing happens.
    For some, the publicizing starts even before a relationship is formed.
    I have a friend who goes out on dates (lots of them), and every time a date ends, she would post pics of the guy she dated (usually unflattering photos of the guy, for that matter), accompanying this with such statements as: “So you have issues with someone like me? Get lost!”
    My take: They’re not even in a relationship yet. So just imagine the things she’d post if they became an item, and then broke up.
  1. Ampalaya
    Remember the photo of the Thai guy and his German BF? Yes we’ve all seen it – just as we’ve read the harsh comments made regarding the couple: from the Thai guy “deceiving” his supposedly more handsome White BF (based on our colonialized ways of seeing), to Western people liking “pets” (gasp all you want, but that word was actually used by some, without recognizing that – particularly when other Asians use that term to refer to fellow Asians – we actually cement our inferiority as Asians to the still dominant White race), et cetera.
    But back to the topic: No one wants to be with someone who can’t be happy in other people’s happiness. Being bitter is so… unlovable.
  2. Know-it-all.
    Imposing is never sexy – so unless I’m into BDSM, share what you know, don’t impose things on me.
  3. No decision-making power.
    How many times have you met someone who asks complete strangers in Facebook what color of shirt he/she should wear for the day? Or what hair color suits him/her? Or if he/she should eat pork chop instead of fish for lunch? Or if he/she should say “yes” to his/her suitor? Or if…
    Oh, you know what I mean.
    There are Facebook users who can’t (or opt not to) decide for him/herself.
    The thing is: If you can’t even make up your own mind on personal (and often trivial) matters, being in a relationship isn’t for you. Unless, of course, you just want to have someone who’ll dictate how to live your life for you…
  4. Overstaying in Facebook.
    If you spend more time being in Facebook than living in the “real” (i.e. physical) world, then you have a problem. And yes, dear, it will affect your attempt to be paired.

In these more modern times, “think before you click” has long become a cliché.

But that still sums up what everyone should be doing when online.

Particularly when on the lookout for a special somebody.

Love Affairs

5 Top tips for a fantastic anniversary with your partner

From thinking of the small details to planning a grand gesture, here are some top tips to ensure that both you and your partner have an enjoyable anniversary that will rival your big day itself.

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Whether you love the thought of celebrating your anniversary or are dreading the attention, there are many ways that you can enjoy your special day and ensure that it is an unforgettable occasion. From thinking of the small details to planning a grand gesture, here are some top tips to ensure that both you and your partner have an enjoyable anniversary that will rival your big day itself. 

1. Get Your Loved One a Romantic Gift 

Gift-giving can be difficult at the best of times, especially if you feel that you are running out of unique presents to give your partner between birthdays and the holiday season. When you are planning your anniversary gift, it is the thought that counts rather than the price tag, and some of the best presents are those that can keep the romance going on your anniversary and beyond. For instance, Scent Magic offers a cologne subscription box that can make your partner feel loved every month of the year, and that can spruce up your date nights. You should also pair this gift with a beautiful card that contains a personal message affirming your love for them and your hopes for the future.

2. Choose a Romantic Anniversary Event 

Whether you are planning a big do or are simply trying to find a personal way to say, ‘thank you’, finding a celebration that is perfect for your relationship is important. One of the best ideas is returning to the place that you first met, trying something different, or traveling to a location, such as a restaurant or a bar, that you both loves. If you want to travel further afield to enjoy your anniversary away from the chaos of everyday life, why not plan to go on a vacation for your special occasion? Taking some time off work to spend together can help to cement your love and can allow you to remember what you originally saw in one another.

3. Celebrate with Family and Friends 

However, family and friends are an integral part of your relationship, and even the strongest couple will have needed their support throughout their partnership. Then, if possible, you should try to get your family and friends involved and show them that they are appreciated. You can do this by planning an anniversary party with an extensive guest list, or even just by hosting a meal at your favorite restaurant. 

4. Consider Staying In 

For all the fireworks and splashy, Instagram-worthy events that many couples decide upon, there is also something special about staying in for your anniversary and spending your day in absolute comfort. There is no reason why staying in cannot be perfect, though, and re-watching your wedding video or even cooking a candle-lit dinner can help to make the occasion stand out. 

5. Discuss the Occasion with Your Partner

Whatever you do, it is paramount that you can discuss the occasion with your partner. There is no point in simply planning something that you will enjoy or deciding to throw them a huge surprise if they are not likely to enjoy it. Then, you must sit down before your big day and discuss what you would both like to do for your anniversary until you reach a compromise that suits both of you.

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Love Affairs

New study explores if flirting is real and shows it can work

Although flirting is mentioned a lot in the general media, and examples are everywhere, there is relatively little scientific work on the topic of flirting, its underlying mechanisms and function.

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Photo by Dede Avez from Pexels.com

“She was totally flirting with you,” my friend told me after the hosts left our table.

“No, she wasn’t. She was just being polite,” said another friend.

Misunderstandings about flirting can potentially result in awkwardness or even accusations of sexual harassment. How can we figure out what other people mean when they smile at us? Is there a unique, identifiable facial expression representing flirting — and if there is, what does it convey, and how effective is it?

Although flirting is mentioned a lot in the general media, and examples are everywhere, there is relatively little scientific work on the topic of flirting, its underlying mechanisms and function.

Now, a new paper by researchers based at the University of Kansas has been published in the Journal of Sex Research examining if flirting has a particular facial cue effectively used by women to indicate interest in a man.

“There are very few scientific articles out there that have systematically studied this well-known phenomenon,” said Omri Gillath, professor of psychology at KU, who co-wrote the paper. “None of these studies have identified the flirting facial expression and tested its effects.”

Gillath’s collaborators were lead author Parnia Haj-Mohamadi, a doctoral student in psychology at KU, and Erika Rosenberg of the University of California-Davis.

The researchers found internal states — such as being romantically or sexually interested in someone — can be conveyed to others nonverbally through facial expression.

In other words — flirting works.

Some women are more effective than others in effectively conveying a flirtatious facial cue, while some men are better at recognizing this cue. Beyond these individual differences, a few expressions were identified by most (if not all) men as flirting.

“Across our six studies, we found most men were able to recognize a certain female facial expression as representing flirting,” Gillath said. “It has a unique morphology, and it’s different from expressions that have similar features — for example, smiling — but aren’t identified by men as flirting expression.”

In the studies, women — some professional actresses and some volunteers from the community — were asked either to spontaneously pose a flirting expression (similar to what they’d use at a bar to get attention from a potential mate) or to follow instructions based on existing anthropological literature for what researchers define as flirting.

The team found some women are more effective than others in effectively conveying a flirtatious facial cue, while some men are better at recognizing this cue. Beyond these individual differences, a few expressions were identified by most (if not all) men as flirting.

The researchers used the Facial Action Coding System (FACS) to classify the morphology of highly recognized flirtatious facial expressions. The coding showed the most effective flirting cues include a head turned to one side and tilted down slightly, a slight smile, and eyes turned forward toward the implied target.

After identifying these most recognized expressions of flirting, the researchers used them in experimental studies.

“Our findings support the role of flirtatious expression in communication and mating initiation,” Gillath said. “For the first time, not only were we able to isolate and identify the expressions that represent flirting, but we were also able to reveal their function — to activate associations related with relationships and sex.”

The new paper puts flirting in the same category as other well-studied emotions and provides researchers with tools to further study the functions of flirting. It can also give sometimes-clueless men, like the one in the example above, a more concrete way to figure out if a woman is truly flirting.

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Lifestyle & Culture

How to choose a dating site that works for you

There are hundreds of sites to choose from and millions of people using them from all around the world. So, how do you choose the right dating site for you?

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Online dating can be a really easy and fun way to meet new singles and put yourself in with a chance of finding a great relationship. Today, online dating is one of the most popular ways to meet somebody new, and every year thousands of partners meet online. Whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for and no matter what stage you’re at in your life, online dating can be a great way to find what you want. However, online dating can also be quite overwhelming.

There are hundreds of sites to choose from and millions of people using them from all around the world. So, how do you choose the right dating site for you?

Be Clear on What You’re Looking For

Knowing what you’re looking for in a relationship before you get started will make it easier for you to find the right dating site for your needs. If you’re not sure what you want, this #1 trusted dating site in San Jose ticks all the boxes and offers a wide range of features to suit everybody. Whether you’re looking for a casual fling or want to eventually get married, find a site that caters to those needs and is likely to attract people who are looking for the same thing as you are. 

Consider Your Location

It’s a good idea to consider your area when choosing a dating site. The last thing that you want is to end up signing up to and potentially paying for a site that isn’t very popular with singles in your area. If you’re not sure then it’s a good idea to sign up to a site that’s popular in many different areas so that you can be sure you will meet local singles. You can sign up for Meetville here: https://meetville.com/catalog/us/ca/95631/woman

Check the Reputation

Don’t waste your money on a dating site that doesn’t have a good reputation. Before choosing the right site for you, take some time to research your options and find one that is well-known for bringing successful couples together. There are some other important considerations to make, too, such as the level of security on the site and how seriously any untoward messages or abuse towards members is taken. 

Try it Out

The good news is that many good dating sites and apps offer a free version or a limited free trial that you can take advantage of before you decide to commit to paying. Sign up for as many free trials as you can find so that you’ve got a good chance of finding a site or a couple of sites that work better for you than others. Remember, if you find a few different dating sites that you like there’s nothing wrong with using a few different once at the same time to get even more matches. 

The world of online dating can be a fun way to meet new people when you’re single and potentially find your perfect partner. Keep these tips in mind and find a dating site that works well for you. 

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Love Affairs

Interesting things to know about open relationships

Open relationships are becoming commonplace that even the elite in the entertainment business are opening up to what they believe in. Whatever makes the other party happy, that’s what we’ll roll with. That has been the motto of modern relationships.

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Gone are the days when everyone believed that relationships were between males and females. Well, you can thank the traditional upbringing for that. Today, you have relationships that to a naive eye, can seem kind of weird. But let’s face it, it’s not about what they think about you but it has everything to do with what makes you happy. You have all these types of relationships and to be honest, there has never been a better time like this day and age where you’ll never have to hide your sexuality. 

Open relationships are becoming commonplace that even the elite in the entertainment business are opening up to what they believe in. Whatever makes the other party happy, that’s what we’ll roll with. That has been the motto of modern relationships. 

What’s An Open Relationship

Whether you are gaslighting or bread crumbing, an open relationship could open you up to possibilities that you’ve never experienced before. But then again, you’ll still want to be careful about your safety by using protection whenever you are engaging in sexual activities with strange characters. 

An open relationship is one where a couple mutually agrees to involve and engage with other partners either sexually and/or romantically. Some of the reasons to get involved in an open relationship include:

  • Unparalleled libidos between you and your partner
  • The desire to have more sex
  • Exploring sexual fantasies
  • There’s lots of love to go around 

Enough said, here are interesting things that you need to know about an open relationship. They include: 

1. More Spice In Your Love Life 

Do you desire more intimacy, love, romance, and more orgasms? This shouldn’t be a question but a confirmation of what your love needs to be like. Unfortunately, the intimacy in your bedroom can become stale due to dwindling sex drive, time, or the fact that you’ve grown out of love with your partner. It’s time to get back your intimacy and spice your once romantic relationship by getting a partner with whom you can break that boredom. Having another partner can help you – as a couple – act out all those cuckold fantasies that you’ve always locked deep inside.

An open relationship could be the gateway through which you can revamp your sex life. But as earlier mentioned, ensure that you practice safe sexual interactions and it’s also wise to mention this to your partner. 

2. Honesty And Open-mindedness

Just like in any other relationship, honesty is an important pillar to help strengthen and grow your relationship. You should be honest with your partner – the one you are in a relationship with – especially before you decide to introduce the element of an open relationship. To avoid the aspect of cheating and ruin your existing bond, communicate early enough with your partner, and present them with all the info you might think is necessary. Equally, be open-minded if they don’t share your enthusiasm or your line of thinking. After all, open relationships aren’t for everyone.

3. It’s Not The Solution

An open relationship has its many perks such as spicing up your relationship, sharing love, and helping in communication. Be it as it may, an open relationship is not the solution to the many issues ailing your relationship. Spicing up your marriage by bringing in the extra partner will only spice things up but this should not be used to correct all those mistakes from the past. Instead, you may consider going to sex therapy or talk it out with your partner to get things straightened out. 

4. Get Ready To Be Jealous

Jealousy and fear are all-natural and understandable human emotions. On date nights, your partner could be going on a date that can probably end up in hot steamy sessions of lovemaking in the shower. It’s okay for you to be jealous of them. But then again, think of them having fun. The best thing is to communicate your feelings openly before they get the best of you. 

An open relationship can be great when done right. While you are at it, its imperative to always practice safe sex to prevent and protect yourself and your partner from infections and unwanted pregnancies. If you think you are up for it, have a sit down with your partner and come up with ground rules. It’s about time you brought your sexy back!

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Love Affairs

Small towns have highest risk of intimate partner violence

“We tend to think in a continuum from urban to suburban to rural, but for intimate partner violence, it’s actually the suburban areas that are the safest, and small towns that have the highest risk.”

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Photo by Sydney Sims from Unsplash.com

Despite common perceptions that big cities have more violence, women living in small towns are most at risk of violence from current or former spouses and partners, according to a recent study by Washington State University criminologist Kathryn DuBois.

For the study, published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, DuBois analyzed the responses of more than 570,000 women from the National Crime Victimization Survey from 1994 to 2015. She found that women from small towns were 27% more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) than women from the center of big cities and 42% more likely than suburban women.

“In criminology, we often have this urban bias. We assume big cities are the worst and paint other places as idyllic,” said DuBois, associate professor at WSU Vancouver. “We tend to think in a continuum from urban to suburban to rural, but for intimate partner violence, it’s actually the suburban areas that are the safest, and small towns that have the highest risk.”

The National Crime Victimization Survey collects information through a large sample of interviews about a range of personal crimes committed every year. Part of the intent of the survey is to uncover the “dark figure” of crime, DuBois said, those crimes that may not be reported to police.

While the survey defines many locations as simply urban or rural, DuBois analyzed the data by population density to delineate urban, suburban, small town and rural areas. Small towns were defined as urbanized portions of non-metropolitan counties with populations up to 50,000. They are distinct from suburban areas that exist just outside of big cities.

“Many surveys assume that everyone in those nonmetropolitan counties are the same, but there’s a lot more heterogeneity across them,” Dubois said.

DuBois originally undertook the study to try and reconcile the inconsistency between national surveys, which typically find rural areas have less or similar rates of IPV to urban areas – and ethnographic research, in-depth qualitative studies that have indicated that rural isolation can exacerbate gender-based violence.

Many community members held the view that relationships between LGBTQIA people could avoid the inherent sexism and patriarchal values of heterosexual, cisgender relationships, and, by implication, avoid DFV/IPV.

While the study data cannot reveal the reasons behind the violence, the finding about the high rate of IPV in small towns indicates that there may be a different set of factors at play, DuBois said.

“Small towns have populations large enough to have the difficult problems of a big city, while at the same time these are some of the hardest hit areas economically, so they don’t have specialized services and policing needed to deal with family violence,” DuBois said.

IPV is also a big issue in the LGBTQIA community, even if this doesn’t particularly get as much attention.

In June 2020, for instance, a study found that domestic and family violence (DFV) and IPV were perceived by community members and professional stakeholders to be a “heterosexual issue that did not easily apply to LGBTQIA relationships.” In particular, many community members held the view that relationships between LGBTQIA people could avoid the inherent sexism and patriarchal values of heterosexual, cisgender relationships, and, by implication, avoid DFV/IPV.

Earlier, in July 2018, another study noted that abuse among gay couples stems from stress factors that also apply to heterosexual couples, such as money issues, unemployment, and drug abuse. However, gay couples are said to face additional stress from internalized homophobia, which may also contribute to IPV.

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Love Affairs

How women and men forgive infidelity

If partners feel the relationship is threatened by the cheating, it’s harder for them to forgive – regardless of their gender.

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Photo by @thoughtcatalog from Unsplash.com

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons that heterosexual couples break up. Researchers who have studied 160 different cultures find this to be true worldwide.

However, men and women look at different types of infidelity differently.

Men usually regard physical infidelity – when the partner has sex with another person – more seriously than women do.

Women regard emotional infidelity – when the partner initiates a close relationship with another person – as more serious.

Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

“We’re surprised that the differences between the sexes weren’t greater. The mechanisms underlying forgiveness are more or less identical between genders,” says Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology’s (NTNU) Department of Psychology.

He has co-authored a new article – “Breakup Likelihood Following Hypothetical Sexual or Emotional Infidelity: Perceived Threat, Blame, and Forgiveness” – in the Journal of Relationships Research. The article addresses infidelity and the mechanisms behind forgiveness.

A research group at NTNU recruited 92 couples for the study. These couples independently completed a questionnaire related to issues described in hypothetical scenarios where the partner had been unfaithful in various ways.

One scenario describes the partner having sex with another person, but not falling in love.

In the other scenario, the partner falls in love with another person, but does not have sex.

So how willing are people to forgive their partner? It turns out that men and women both process  their partner’s infidelity almost identically.

Most people, regardless of gender and the type of infidelity, think it unlikely that they would forgive their partner’s infidelity.

Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

“Whether or not the couple breaks up depends primarily on how threatening to the relationship they perceive the infidelity to be,” says first author Trond Viggo Grøntvedt, a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology.

The more threatening the infidelity feels, the worse it is for the relationship.

Whether partners believe the relationship can continue also depends on how willing they are to forgive each other, especially in terms of avoiding distancing themselves from their partner.

Of course, great individual differences exist, even within each gender. People react differently to infidelity, according to their personality and the circumstances.

“A lot of people might think that couples who have a strong relationship would be better able to tolerate infidelity, but that wasn’t indicated in our study,” says Professor Mons Bendixen at NTNU’s Department of Psychology.

Another aspect plays a role in cases of emotional infidelity, where no sex has taken place. To what extent can the unfaithful partner be blamed for what happened?

If you willingly have sex with another person, it pretty much doesn’t matter whether you feel it’s your fault.

“The degree of blame attributed to the partner was linked to the willingness to forgive,” says Bendixen.

The relationship is at greater risk if the partner is required to bear a big part of the responsibility for ending up in an intimate relationship with someone else.

“The blame factor doesn’t come into play when the partner is physically unfaithful,” Grøntvedt says.

If you voluntarily have sex with someone other than your partner, it’s more or less irrelevant whether you think it was mostly your fault or not. Possible forgiveness does not depend on accepting blame.

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