“It gives me excitement, mas nabubuhayan ang pakiramdam ko tuwing ginagawa ko ‘yun (I feel more alive every time I do it).”
Oftentimes, “when I am alone at home, I feel the need.”
Gelo is a 21-year-old undergraduate. He identifies himself as bisexual.
“It is my choice to stop studying. Isang rason siguro ay dahil wala naman akong pamilya na may pakialam kung makakatapos ako o hindi. Nakikitira lang ako sa lolo ko na walang pakialam sa akin (One reason might be because I do not have a family that cares if I finish or not. I just live with my grandfather who does not care about me),” Gelo shared.
A form of escape
During the course of our conversation, he admitted that he frequently feels down and sad about almost everything. Gelo even described his day-to-day life as “patapon (waste).”
“Isa sa pinakamasarap na nararamdaman ko ay ‘yung pag-slide ng blade sa balat ko. Kakaibang sarap. Nakakawala ako sa reality na mayroon ako. (One of the best feelings I have is when the blade slides across my skin. It is a different enjoyment. I get away from the reality that I have),” he narrated.
If there is no available blade, Gelo uses scissors or kitchen knife, “kahit anong makita ko na may matalim na side, sa kitchen o sa table, okay na ‘yun (Anything I see with a sharp side, in the kitchen or on the table, that is already okay.)”
Self-harm is when a person hurts his or her own body on purpose. The injuries may be minor, but sometimes it may be severe. And they may leave permanent scars, often in patterns.
Gelo’s left hand was covered with cloth. He slowly unwrapped it and showed the scabs and fresh cuts, everything on top of each other.
“Minsan hindi ko na napapansin na hindi pa magaling ‘yung iba, napapatungan ko ng bago ulit. (Sometimes I do not even notice that the others are not yet healed, I put on a new one on top again),” Gelo said. “If I do not feel pain, I put more pressure, [so] it will go deeper [with] every cut. Mas masarap sa pakiramdam ‘yun, nakakaalis ako sa ngayon (It feels better that way, I am able to escape from the present).”
Deep feelings, deeper cuts
Some studies say that self-harm is not a mental disorder; it is a behavior – an unhealthy way to cope with strong feelings, and it may become a normal way of dealing with life’s difficulties because of the temporary relief it brings.
When Gelo’s friends started noticing the scabs and cuts on his hand – from his point of view – they unanimously blamed him, dealt with him negatively, scolded him, and one-by-one abandoned him. Even that one friend who he considers as his closest also left.
“Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako lalapit para makipagusap o para may makinig. Lahat sila sinisisi ako sa kung bakit ko ginagawa ito. Walang may gusto sa akin (I do not know who to talk to or who will listen. They all blame me for why I do this),” he whispered.
Gelo was also recently let go by his employer after one of his co-workers saw the fresh cuts on his hand. They did not ask what was it, how he was doing, or if he needed help. He was immediately sent home.
“Mas naramdaman ko na wala talagang may pakialam sa akin, lahat na lang sila (I felt more like no one really cared about me, all of them),” Gelo remarked.
And every time he feels like no one is there for him, to listen, to check on him – the hounding sound inside his head and the tormenting feeling on his chest start. It is his signal to begin reacting to these feelings through the only way he knows.
As his feelings go deep and heavy, the cuts he makes go deeper and heavier.
“I like it. This is something I can only share with me,” Gelo said.
Better with pain
Aside from being by himself most of the time, he likes to listen to loud, rock music “para matabunan ‘yung mga nasa isip at nararamdaman ko. (to drown what is on my mind and my feelings.)”
“I do not like being with people, gusto ko mag-isa. (I like to be alone.),” he remarked. “Pakiramdam ko pinapanood at hinuhusgahan nila ako palagi. Kaya kapag naglalakad ako, nakayuko ako palagi, umiiwas sa eye contact. (I feel like they are watching and judging me all the time. That is why, when I walk, I always keep my head down, avoiding eye contact.”
Gelo said that he could not remember when this started.
It is arguably a known fact that doing self-harm is not right. We also learned while we were growing up that pain, any kind of it, is a warning that something is wrong. But what if it is the other way around?
In an article on WebMD, Hillary VandeLinde, a therapist with Symmetry Counselling in Nashville, TN said that “Physiologically when we are exposed to pain or shocking stimuli, it is a really quick way to reset our nervous system and it either stops negative emotions or leads to more positive ones. The pain hurts, but there is a brief sense of euphoria you get with that stimuli. It is called pain offset relief.” Over time, people react more favorably to the pain because it is paired with this brief euphoria – with the pain I feel better. Self-harm [can be] effective at thought stopping, but it is not the most effective coping skill.”
Self-harm is usually connected with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and trauma. It is usually not meant as a suicide attempt, but a form of release of emotional and physical heaviness or tension.
In 2023 alone, there were 2,997 deaths due intentional self-harm, making it the 31st leading cause of death in the country, according to Philippine Statistics Authority.
Some people cope with distress through eating disorders, personality disoders, alcohol drinking, substance abuse, or addiction to anything. And there are some who resort to self-harm.
It may not be the safest way to deal with things, but it is an outlet. A thing that some people feel comfortable with.
Like everyone else, they are normal. What they are doing, what they are feeling, what they are thinking are all valid.
*If you are feeling any form of anxiety or depression, reach out and talk to someone.
Interview was done with consent; name was changed as requested by the subject.
