Of course it is hard to navigate a relationship with someone you love who uses #meth, #tina, #drugs for #parteenplay, #PNP, #sexwithdrugs, #partee. You don’t know – can’t even imagine – how many times I felt that it may be best to just distance myself from my partner Tar, no matter how much I love him. But then I (rightfully) continue to find compelling reasons why I should stay.
Let me cite some of them…
1. Showing unconditional support helps… always
In truth, using drugs is but a symptom of something else – e.g. difficulties in life, and #druguse is the escape. Go on, contradict all you want, but “overall drug use, as well as ‘hard drug’ use and daily drug use, was more than twice as likely to occur among men who have sex with men (MSM) as in the general population”, and part of the reasoning is due to SOGIESC stigmatization.
Knowing… and accepting this makes you also open to the idea that everyone faces challenges. And so your continued presence – by choosing not to leave – can be your loved one’s source of strength, of stability for your loved one.
I hope that, at least, he can depend on me as he faces this stage of his life; that I’d be beside him in his struggle. And that’s what we really should be doing, no?
2. By staying, you open the communication lines
Tar has been opening up to me… and not just about his drug use, but about so many aspects of his life (e.g. his dreams, the people he comes in contact with while using, the triggers for him, and so on and so forth). I think – or at least I hope – it’s because I chose to stay; that this helped create a safe space for us to have a deeper discussion of everything.
Years ago, Tar – who’s much younger than me – wasn’t able to verbalize how I could overwhelm him. He just couldn’t bring himself to tell me, he said; he didn’t have the courage to be “confrontational” with me. He can – and does – now. And so we navigate, as well, things that I do that “stifle” him.
At least by now engaging in honest conversations, I hope we’d have a deeper emotional connection, which I also hope will contribute to healing.
3. Encouragement to seek help by building a supportive environment
That support matters to those who use is given (and has been subject of various studies). So yes, we have discussed efforts to help stop the using; and I hope this helps in motivating him to consider treatment (e.g. moderation versus abstinence). I believe change is possible; and I choose to stay with him because I support any or all attempts to do better.
4. Seeing addiction’s multifaceted layers
Truth 1: Addiction can affect anyone, regardless of their circumstances.
Truth 2: Users aren’t homogenous; they’re as varied as the reasons why they use.
Truth 3: Openness to newer learnings about addiction makes you more empathetic to those affected by it.
If you hate on the users simply because… you hate them, you’re missing key points you should also be considering. Me, I abhor those who force drug use sans consent, and then do things to the one who’s too high to make decisions on their own (like those taking videos without consent, “selling” their partee-mates to others while they’re too high to decide for themselves, injecting more drugs without consent, and so on and so forth). But as painful as this experience is for me, too, I am learning… and hope to continue doing so as this journey progresses.
Whether you stay or not with a loved one who uses drugs is entirely up to you; this is, after all, a very, very personal decision. Your journey is yours to decide on, so choose what you’re comfy with.
And I choose to stay… over and over and over again. I choose to be in Tar’s life; and I choose for him to be in mine. It has its challenges, but in the end, I choose love.
