“You’re sexually… lacking.”
That’s what he said to me, this guy I met.
I was surprised, it goes without saying, mainly because:
- I thought I was doing just fine, thank you very much – e.g. I did everything, including bending backwards (literally) just to make sure he is/was satisfied/always satisfied; and
- Looking back, I realized that there were even times when I sacrificed MY gratification as long as he got his.
Urged to elaborate, he said that what’s “lacking” in my part was – apparently – because I couldn’t “stretch” myself (figuratively, and yes, literally) the way he wanted his partners to do. For instance, when under the influence of whatever (say, alcohol), he could go on for hours and hours and hours; but the human me has physical limitations, and mentally, I sort of zone out after… say, 12 hours of nonstop action (I’m gay, I need my beauty sleep, ha!); and when he tops, he expects his bottoms to “just take it… loosely, yet gratefully”.
I am certain there are bottoms whose raison d’être is just to please; whose pleasure lies in making others happy. In sex, that’d be the “I am happy when my partner is happy” kind of person.
Now, let it be said that if this is what tickles their fancy, hey… who am I to judge?
But this still got me thinking about aggression, and how so many of us are expected to “enjoy” the experience. This version of “reality” is mimicking a Machofucker porn flick; and am not sure we’re the better for it.
Now, for those who do not know, Machofucker is a studio that produces gay porn. The difference? They pair usually lithe bottoms with big (in all ways) tops for an aggression-filled romp. Here, viewers are treated – and thus expected – to get gratification from seeing pain.
Now some things to consider…
Porn in itself has been criticized for “numbing” people’s way of seeing, feeling, acting, et cetera. This needs extensive unboxing, obviously, though… nowadays, people tend to shut down when reading “heavy” discourses on what should be considered a relevant issue including in the LGBTQIA community.
Besides, it’s so easy to dismiss this as overreaction to what may well be just fantasy. Though I always wonder where that line is that separates fantasy from truth. After all, a fetish I’ve seen surfacing in a number of Facebook- and Telegram-based GCs is “frape”, short for (GASP!) “fake rape”. Apparently, some are “attracted” to this idea of doing the act to someone unable to give consent.
Note that studies have already been done to ascertain the impact of aggression as seen in porn films. A 2010 study, for example, found that:
- in popular porn flicks, 88% of scenes contain physical aggression and 48% contain verbal aggression
- in 94% of cases, this aggression is directed towards female performers, with the research finding that bestselling pornography commonly shows women gagging, being slapped or choked, and called abusive names – and, significantly, enjoying the experience.
- only 9.9% of scenes analyzed contained positive behaviors (like kissing, laughing, embracing, caressing, verbal compliments, and statements of “making love” or “I love you”)
Here’s the sad – even shocking – part: Even now, there is actually difficulty in defining “aggression” because “acts where the target appeared to enjoy the harm or aggression, or where there was no active attempt to avoid the harm, were not coded as ‘violent’. This is particularly important, as frequently targets of pornographic video aggression do not actively resist the aggressive act”.
Meaning: The abused are often portrayed to have been pleasured by the abuse. This is – in a gist – what’s being taught us; and am not sure of the implications this has.
Now… back to that guy and his blunt assessment – i.e. that I am “lacking”.
Now… am I? Admittedly, to some, I may be (he counts as one already). But to others, I could be/may be too much. And truth be told, I’m okay with this; I can live with this.
The issue for me, however, should go beyond “what are you willing to do to satisfy me?” Instead, it ought to be “what do we do to gratify each other?”.
Because dear tops, life isn’t a Machofucker gay porn flick where those who bottom solely exist only to gratify sadomasochistic tops. Because darling, if we’re in such a gay porn flick, so many of you’s won’t even qualify to top in the first place… 😛
