If you really like holding hands and saying “I love you” but your partner doesn’t, your relationship is still probably better off than if both of you had modest interest in expressing affection. This is because a romantic relationship’s total amount of affectionate communication is a much stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction, trust and intimacy than whether each partner communicates at a similar level.
This is according to a study – “Affectionate Communication in Romantic Relationships: Are Relative Levels or Absolute Levels More Consequential?” By Kory Floyd, Lisa van Raalte and Colin Hesse – that was published in Communication Studies.
According to the researchers, there is this commonly-held belief – and academically verified theory – that people are attracted to those with similar traits. And while this study “does not discount the importance of similarity in many aspects of romantic relationships”, there is this need to “highlight… the specific importance of affectionate communication to the success and development of those relationships,” said co-author Hesse. “Few communication behaviors are more important for the development, maintenance and quality of romantic bonds than the expression of affection.”
Here, the researchers tapped 141 couples in the US to ask whether romantic couples were best served by being similar in their levels of affectionate communication – be it high, low or in between – or by simply having a higher total amount of it.
Affectionate communication is defined as the intentional and overt enactment or expression of feelings of closeness, care and fondness for another person and is often divided into three categories: verbal, nonverbal and indirect/supportive. For example, if your morning routine includes kissing your partner, expressing your love and making sure lunch is packed for work, you’re hitting all three.
“Generally speaking, affectionate communication is beneficial both for the partner who gives it and the partner receiving it,” Hesse said. “It makes for better trust, intimacy, passion and overall relational satisfaction. And we found strong evidence that it is far better for couples, both males and females, to have generally higher levels of affectionate communication than to have generally similar levels of affectionate communication.”
The findings are an exception to the concept of assortative mating – people’s tendency to choose mates of similar ethnicity, height, age, religion, et cetera.
“Research has demonstrated that similarity in partners’ characteristics is positively associated with relationship satisfaction,” Hesse said. “But similarities in affectionate communication don’t necessarily contribute to that satisfaction.
“We would not prescribe specific affectionate behaviors but would in general counsel people to engage in affectionate communication. It’s essential for both individual and relational wellness – basically, showing someone you care about them actually helps you both in terms of alleviating stress and feeling happier and healthier.”
