Two or three weeks ago, a close friend started ghosting me. It’s not a simple case of us having some fight (petty or not); instead, we were chatty one night, and then the very next day… I was placed in the seen zone. None of the follow-up messages (“Hope everything’s well with you” or “At least inform us what’s happening”) were answered; instead, I faced this blank wall.
As background info, this friend had issues with drugs a while back. Like many gays who use dating/fucking apps like Grindr and Romeo, messaging apps like Viber and Telegram, and socmed like Facebook and Twitter, he was introduced to drug use when he met with some of the LOTS of CF users in these apps/socmed.
When he said he was quitting, he used to tell me that addicts need to experience what it’s like to be at the bottom of the pit (that is, the lowest, deepest, farthest part of wherever they may be) to realize just how bad their situation is. Losing loved ones. Losing a home. Losing jobs. Those were some of the “bottom of the pit” situations he mentioned; and yeah… he experienced them all.
Those situations were, however, not isolated; instead, they co-existed with each other, and with other aspects of his (and of the people around him) life.
That is: He lost his livelihood because he preferred using drugs than reporting to work. Unable to pay his rent (and bills), he became homeless. And in between these two major occurrences, he made extra “faults” – e.g. after taking his housemate’s share for their house’s rent, he used the same to buy more drugs, so that the housemate who paid his share in full and on time was also made homeless.
In hindsight, I should have noted some telltale signs he didn’t really – fully – learn his lesson/s yet. He edited his stories about his housemate’s payments so that it didn’t appear that yes, he, to be blunt, stole money to use for drugs; he tweaked the stories from his workplace, stressing that they were “toxic”, even if he was actually already not delivering the goods expected from him; and so on.
When these things happened, I was one of those he asked for help. “To get me back on my feet,” he said. Particularly since “I’ve been at the bottom, and I know I fucked up. Now I want out.”
I provided what support I believed I could give – e.g. adopted him for a few days when he needed company (he said he didn’t want to be alone due to drug-induced paranoia), GCash-ed food money, lent more money for his temporary shelter, gave him projects so he can earn again, and so on.
Before the ghosting happened, and after we all dined together, my partner asked bluntly: “Is he back on drugs again?”
I said: “No, not anymore. He’s really trying to be clean. Considering he already saw how bad drugs affected his life.”
Having closely danced with drugs himself, my partner just shrugged his shoulders. “If you say so,” he said sardonically.
And then another big project came; and yet again, I gave this friend the opportunity to make a living (while doing something he’s really good at).
He seemed eager… albeit still worried how his at-that-time financial status affected everything in his life (e.g. inability to pay bills, unable to buy proper equipment for him to do his job, inability to even buy food, and so on). So I partially paid him for work he was yet to do.
And then… that ghosting happened.
I later learned from others that he’s somewhere, “healing”. That’s after family members tapped another friend to check on him after a major relapse. So this friend had to drive him to that somewhere so he can “heal”.
Still no word FOR me.
And that’s my beef there.
Addiction is a complex issue, I know. So that even literally getting rid of all those drug pushers in dating/fucking apps like Grindr and Romeo, messaging apps like Viber and Telegram, and socmed like Facebook and Twitter won’t automatically completely solve this issue. Yeah, authorities SHOULD look at all those for sure; but at the same time, shouldn’t solely focus on those. Deal with poverty that pushes people to enter the drug industry, mental health issues vis-à-vis drug use and dependence, abuses of those in power as they worsen the drug problems, and so on.
But on the users’ side, we always go back to owning your addiction, and yes, owning your fuck ups.
It stings that he stole from me (yeah, we can sugarcoat what he did, but he literally took money from me, and then run away with that money). It stings that he ghosted me after I helped him. And it stings that I know he thinks he can just waltz back into my/our lives when he’s finally “healed”, and even after everything he did to me/us.
You HAVE a problem. You ARE a problem. Own it. Already. Then we all move from there…
