Just give me a second, Rico said in the middle of interview.
He stood up and walked towards the bathroom.
When Rico came back, he was carrying a small pouch with a lock combination.
“This will be quick, sorry. Just wait there then we can continue,” he said.
After opening the pouch, small Ziploc bags containing crystal-like powder fell out. He took one and flipped it, grabbed a half-full bottle of sterile water and a new syringe.
Rico mixed the powder with the sterile water, then dipped the needle, and pulled the plunger.
He lifted his left sleeve, pulled out a red tourniquet in the pouch, and wrapped it on his arm.
“That rush was sudden. I think I can concentrate now.”
I like to call it ‘vitamins’
Rico used to be a regular patron in different queer spaces in Manila before the pandemic happened. He liked to go to different bars, clubs, events that offer different forms of entertainment and experiences.
“Before, I go out four or five times a week, depending on the invites that I get and my budget,” Rico narrated. “I used to like drinking beer or any alcohol, but now I do not drink that much.”
He has a partner who has been with him for 10 years. They live in one house and used to share the same interests. “The last two years have been different; I am able to do more on my own.”
“I cannot remember when exactly it started. I think, maybe, it, it just happened after I came across of it,” Rico tried to recall. “I did not know how to use meth when I first saw it. So, I just burnt it and puffed in the smoke. Now, I am diluting it with sterile water and injecting it.”
Crystal meth or methamphetamine is usually viewed as a “party drug” that may produce feelings of confidence, power, invulnerability, and increase the user’s sexual desire.
It was during Rico’s first few tries with meth that he started feeling more alive and accepted than before.
“It is not a drug; I call it vitamins because it changes me. It, it improves me in so many different aspects. I can experience a lot of things, be in different levels of mindsets, be more confident after taking it,” he explained.
Rico admitted that he “regularly doses, like twice a week. I do not think that is addiction.”
All I see are beautiful faces
“Every time I look in the mirror now, I already like what I see,” Rico said. “I feel beautiful, like there are very little mistakes.”
He added, “I always see beautiful faces. I also feel closer to the person I am with, like there is always the feeling inside that I really want to be with that person. Like, like there is a feeling of need, not just a want. All of them are beautiful.”
Use of meth during sex is arguably popular in the queer culture. Given that sex in general may be intimidating – using meth may help improve their feelings and how they deal with sex or intimacy in general, as the drug tends to help increase energy levels and drive. One of the biggest reasons why many gay men do not stop using meth is because of the effect it has on their sex lives.
For Rico, he takes his ‘vitamins’ whenever he is lonely or happy, when he is about to have sex or while doing it. “It is like my version of poppers, but the effects are longer.”
There was even a time where he was able to have sex and go to work and have sex again all in 48 hours without sleeping. “I did not feel tired. I wanted to just continue moving and doing something.” He felt that he was very productive.
“As long as I know and maintain my limits, I will not be addicted to this. And no one can tell me otherwise. I never felt free and liked,” he continued.
Every time Rico enters the state of euphoria, everything changes and “improves to my advantage.” It is like his own version of temporary escape from reality. All beautiful faces and feelings while coursing through euphoria.
Attractive high and realities
Social norm dictates that drug use, in whatever form, has detrimental effects to the user. It arguably fails to highlight any possible good outcome.
Some studies say that meth gives an ‘attractive’ high because it causes the brain to release extraordinary amounts of dopamine, leading to extreme feelings of pleasure and motivation to do things. Low amount of dopamine in the body may lead to lack of inspiration and fatigue.
While there are no concrete evidence or test that will help prove that meth-use will give ‘positive effects’ – the likes of Rico experience a ‘good kind of high,’ something that helps them to get through whatever they are dealing with.
The question in the minds of a lot of people, with all the ‘positive effects’ and ‘good kind of high,’ at what cost is someone willing to pay to experience these?
The Comprehensive Dangerous Drugs Act of 2002 states that the government shall pursue an intensive and unrelenting campaign against the trafficking and use of dangerous drugs; however, aim to achieve a balance in the national drug control program so that people with legitimate medical needs are not prevented from being treated with adequate amounts.
It is good to note that the war against drugs in the country, at least in the recent years, have not been smooth and humane.
According to a statistical data released by the Dangerous Drugs Board of the Philippines, for 2023, methamphetamine (meth) remains the leading drug of abuse, followed by marijuana and cocaine.
In the case of Rico, meth-use is a way to temporarily escape from the harsh reality he is experiencing. It may be wrong to some, but he gets satisfaction and pleasure from it – a fulfillment that no one will understand, but him.
*If you are feeling any form of addiction or would like to seek help, reach out and talk to someone.
This interview was done with consent; name was changed as requested by the subject.
