When it comes to mutual pleasure, one position tends to dominate the conversation: 69. For many people, though, trying to give and receive oral sex at exactly the same time isn’t necessarily the easiest, or most enjoyable, way for both partners to feel good at once.
Sex often slips into a familiar rhythm: one person gives, the other receives, then you swap. Thankfully, mutual pleasure can be far less formulaic, with both partners able to enjoy themselves at once through everything from grinding and mutual masturbation to toys, sensory play and full-body touch.
The key, according to Vivastreet’s sex and relationship expert Bethany Burgoyne, is not to get too hung up on making every moment perfectly simultaneous. In fact, trying to synchronise everything can make sex feel more like a performance than something you’re actually enjoying together.
‘In reality, trying too hard to give and receive simultaneously can make people less present. You start monitoring your partner’s reactions, worrying about whether you’re doing enough, wondering whether they’re enjoying themselves, or concentrating so much on technique that you stop noticing your own sensations.’
Instead, the focus can be on finding ways for both people to experience pleasure while remaining connected, even if they are not always doing exactly the same thing at exactly the same moment.
Here are seven alternatives to 69 to try:
1. SIT WRAPPED AROUND EACH OTHER
Sitting face-to-face can be a particularly intimate way to explore mutual pleasure, allowing couples to combine kissing and eye contact with touching, toys or grinding.
Bethany says: ‘One lovely option is to sit facing each other, with your legs and arms wrapped around one another so that your bodies are close but you can play with the space between your genitals – from touching one another with your hands, using toys or simply grinding.’
‘You can also rock gently against one another or grip, squeeze and apply more pressure.’ This gives both partners room to vary the sensation without having to move into a completely different position.
2. USE A CHAIR TO MAKE GRINDING EASIER
A sturdy chair can be a useful way to explore mutual pleasure, particularly for couples with a height difference, as it allows you to experiment with different angles without having to support each other’s full weight. One partner can sit while the other settles onto their lap, either facing them or facing away, with each position offering a slightly different experience.
Bethany explains: ‘Facing each other makes it easier to kiss, hold one another and use your hands; facing away can give the person sitting on top more freedom to control the rhythm and movement.’
Choosing a chair with a high back can also make the position more comfortable and give both partners more freedom to focus on touch rather than balance.
‘A sturdy chair with a high back can give the person on top something to lean against or hold onto, while the person underneath can use their hands to stroke their partner’s waist, back, thighs or torso.’
3. TURN DANCING INTO GRINDING
Mutual pleasure doesn’t have to begin with a set sexual position. Dancing can make physical contact feel more spontaneous and playful, particularly for couples who find more prescribed positions awkward or overly choreographed.
Bethany says: ‘I particularly love bringing dancing into this because it makes grinding feel playful rather than like a prescribed sexual position.’
Putting on music and moving together can take some of the pressure away from ‘doing’ something sexual, while still building intimacy and arousal. You might begin with one partner standing behind the other before turning to face each other and continuing to move your hips together, allowing the rest of your bodies to stay involved too.
‘The hands are important here too: stroke each other’s arms, waist, back, neck and shoulders rather than letting the hips do all the work. It turns the whole body into part of the dance and it can get HOT HOT HOT!’
For anyone who feels completely out of their depth, Bethany also has a practical suggestion: ‘Bachata classes are a great place to start if you feel completely out of depth with this one’.
4. EXPLORE FEET AS PART OF MUTUAL PLEASURE
For couples who enjoy foot play, creating a little more space between your bodies can open up another way to experience pleasure at the same time. Lying or sitting opposite one another with each person’s feet close to their partner’s face leaves the hands free for self-touch, while bringing another sensitive area of the body into play.
As Bethany explains: ‘Feet can be surprisingly sensitive and intimate, and incorporating them can be very sensual.’
Depending on what feels good for both partners, you could combine self-touch with kissing or stroking the feet, massaging the soles or working your way along the lower legs.
5. TRY LYING FACE-TO-FACE
Lying face-to-face is a simple way to stay physically close while still creating enough space to explore with your hands or toys. Bethany suggests bending one leg and raising the knee slightly, which can make the position feel more open without losing that sense of intimacy.
‘The bent leg creates space and access to both people’s genitals while the rest of the body remains in close contact.’
From there, couples can combine touching or toys with kissing, eye contact and full-body contact, rather than having to choose between intimacy and stimulation.
‘This positions allows for several things to happen at once without sacrificing comfort or intimacy.’
6. MAKE TEASING PART OF THE PLEASURE
Simultaneous pleasure doesn’t have to revolve around constant genital stimulation, and sensory play can be a good way to shift the focus towards touch, anticipation and arousal instead. By slowing things down and exploring different sensations across the body, couples can stay connected without feeling that every moment has to build towards a particular sexual act.
Bethany says: ‘Sensory play can be a fantastic way to experience pleasure together in a less goal orientated way.’
Sitting or lying facing one another can work particularly well, as it leaves both partners free to explore each other’s bodies while still maintaining closeness and eye contact. Bethany suggests experimenting with different textures and sensations rather than relying on the same kinds of touch throughout.
‘Feathers, ice, gentle scratching, oil massage and other forms of temperature or texture play can all become part of this.’
Couples could also agree to keep their hands away from each other’s genitals for a set amount of time, allowing anticipation to build and making the teasing itself feel like part of the experience rather than simply a lead-up to something else.
‘That can make teasing the main event rather than simply something that happens before sexual stimulation.’
7. USE MUTUAL MASTURBATION TO LEARN WHAT YOUR PARTNER LIKES
Mutual masturbation can be pleasurable in its own right, while also giving partners a clearer sense of how each person actually likes to be touched. Instead of guessing the right pressure, position or rhythm with a hand or toy, watching each other first can make partnered touch feel much more intuitive.
Bethany explains: ‘One of the easiest ways around this is to masturbate alongside one another first. Let your partner watch how you use the toy or your hand, then allow them to shadow you.’
Once you have a better sense of what your partner enjoys, you can move from watching to physically guiding their hand, making it easier to communicate preferences without having to stop and explain every detail.
‘You can literally place their hand under or over yours and guide the movement, showing them the pressure, position and rhythm you enjoy.’
Over time, that can make it much easier to bring toys or partnered touch into the experience naturally, because both people already have a better understanding of what feels good.
MUTUAL PLEASURE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECTLY SIMULTANEOUS
The biggest mistake couples can make is turning simultaneous pleasure into another sexual goal they feel they have to achieve. In reality, mutual pleasure can shift throughout an encounter, with some moments focused on touching each other, others on kissing, grinding or exploring different parts of the body, and some where one person is receiving more attention than the other.
As Bethany explains: ‘All of those can still count as mutual pleasure.’
That also means looking beyond the most obvious erogenous zones and allowing the whole body to become part of the experience.
‘I would also encourage couples not to hyper-focus on the genitals. The neck, back, stomach, thighs, feet, ears, mouth and many other areas can become part of the experience.’
Ultimately, simultaneous pleasure should be about feeling connected rather than trying to make every movement perfectly equal or synchronised.
‘The aim isn’t to choreograph yourselves so perfectly that everything happens at once. It’s to find ways of experiencing pleasure alongside each other, paying attention to each other’s reactions and communicating about what feels good,’ Bethany says. ‘Sometimes that will mean doing exactly the same thing together; sometimes it will mean doing completely different things while remaining connected.’
