I’m in an open relationship. This has been the arrangement somehow. So the other guys engaging in sexual activities with either of us aren’t the “issue”, per se. Instead, that would be the drugs used by Tar, my partee-going partner who is into meth, tina, slam, et cetera to engage in PNP, partee, partee n play, sex-induced orgies, et cetera.
You see, it is because of the drugs that Tar’s been changing.
There’s the growing preference to only have sex while high; meaning, our physical engagements are becoming lesser since I do not slam (yet). And so he ends up “chasing” whatever it is that the drugs give him with others, though mostly with “regulars” like that engineer M.E. who lives in Ortigas, near his workplace in an IT company in Pasig City. And every time this happens, I can’t help but feel like the “other (wo)man”, as if I’m the one who doesn’t belong in the equation.
There’s the lying… and not just to me, but to his mom and brother, both almost always asking if Tar’s with me during those days when he disappears to be with his partee-mates. Then they worry when I say he’s not with me. I can’t tell them it’s the drugs, the drugs, the drugs…
There’s the “disappearance” every two weeks (usually) as he partees with people who – he, himself – used to admit were abusing him while he’s high (e.g. video-taking without consent, passing him around to other partee-goers when he’s too high to refuse, injecting him with more drugs without his consent, et cetera). And then he returns and… actually wants to be babied while he “recovers”, damn how I feel about all these since he’s the one who’s not “well” enough to return to “normal things” yet.
Yeah, some of those men can be sources of concern. Which is why this temptation to publicly name them remains strong (since I can’ talk sense to them – e.g. they seen-zone my messages… and then invite Tar to sessions yet again). But above them is the real third party in our relationship: drugs. So we’re in this tiring cycle. Because these drugs won’t seem to go anywhere (at least not anytime soon); they “disappear” for a while, only to return over and over and over again.
And it is draining. So that always – and as much as I want Tar to be part of my life – I am always left alone (while he has his “regular” partees) to ask how drained we all have to be before we just give up… or not, only to repeat this cycle over and over and over again…
