“My name is Macu, I am 33 years old, and I want to be HIV-positive.”
His voice did not stutter. There was a sense of confidence and determination in his words.
“Freedom. I imagine it would be like you are not being held back to do anything you want. That is something worth chasing, right?”
Macu identifies himself as a ‘straight-acting gay’ and he is only out to his close friends.
It started as a curiosity
“Back in college, our professors taught us about HIV and AIDS, how it is still incurable but can be managed through medicines, and how it can sometimes be fatal to someone who handles it poorly,” Macu said.
HIV, if left untreated, may eventually progress to AIDS. Although the number of people dying because of AIDS is declining because of easy access to antiretroviral therapy in recent years, the condition increases susceptibility to opportunistic infections — which may lead to death.
“When I accompanied one of my friends for a counseling in his treatment hospital, I could still clearly remember what the doctors, nurses, volunteers told him: ‘Having HIV is not a death sentence; it is not the end of the world. It is a new start for you and your life’,” he added.
And that lingered and stayed in his mind.
Macu reached for his bag and pulled out his tablet.
He scrolled through his notes, “I actually made a list of things I want to do and accomplish after I get HIV. This is like my bucket list. The things I wrote help me stay motivated.”
Photo used for illustration purpose only; photo by cottonbro studio from Pexels.com
Chasing ‘the gift’
“I go out three or four times a week,” Macu narrated. “I frequently go to spas with saunas. People who go there do not seem to mind having random encounters with strangers. There is excitement in knowing that within the mist and steam, my chances of finally getting the gift are reachable.”
He admitted that he spends most of his free time each week chasing ‘the gift’ and he usually gets very little rest, sometimes feeling exhausted when he goes work, but “it does not matter.”
Macu continued: “I also like attending, um, private, private events, private parties. We will go to a house or condo with different people and strangers, and do stuff. And, you know. With those kinds of parties, there is a big opportunity for me there.”
A 2023 data revealed that approximately 70 percent of HIV cases in the country are among men who have sex with another men (MSM). And a study found out that over three quarters of MSM have never been tested for HIV.
“I always practice unprotected sex. I used to be a pure top, but recently I became versatile. Even if I am not that comfortable being a bottom, I thought that my chances of getting HIV will be faster since I am the receiver,” Macu proudly said.
Studies found that when having anal sex, either partner can get HIV during intercourse; being the bottom makes the person more likely to get HIV than being the top; HIV can enter the body through the lining of the rectum, opening at the tip of the penis, foreskin, cut or sores on the penis.
“I have never tried PrEP and will never do. Some people told me it is effective in preventing you from getting HIV, so I am not interested in that,” Macu remarked.
PrEP or pre-exposure prophylaxis is a medication that helps reduce the chance of you getting infected with HIV.
“Yes, I am aware that the disease can be a traitor, no one will ever know until when they will be healthy, even if their viral load and CD4 numbers are okay. The chances of your health failing are always there,” Macu expounded. “And that unexplainable feeling of ‘today can be my last day here on Earth, so I need to do whatever I want without giving any fuck’ is so intense.”
Photo used for illustration purpose only; photo by cottonbro studio from Pexels.com
A new tomorrow?
“Ever since I learned about HIV, I cannot stop imagining how my life would change after I finally get it,” Macu said.
A philosopher said that let us prepare our minds as if we had come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance life’s books each day. The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time—this may be true for most people – for whenever someone knows that their time is limited or there is an expiration, they usually see and experience things differently. The drive to push harder than how they normally do things increases.
“When was the last time you felt like you need to give your 101%? Like it is your only chance and you have no room for mistakes. Remember what you felt that moment? That is what I want. That intense feeling. Like ‘I may die tomorrow. My numbers may go down tomorrow’,” Macu narrated with full of passion. “To the point that you will not care what other people will say, as long as you accomplish and do what you want, to the most extent that you can do. That is something high. That is what I want to experience every day. Having HIV, knowing that my time is limited, will help me with that.”
Passion and resiliency are usually driven by one’s motivation to do and accomplish things. And when it is peppered with the thought of ‘it is now or ever’ or ‘this is my only chance,’ the strong push that will grow inside of you increases. The unyielding feeling of not wanting to disappoint yourself will be present.
People living with HIV and AIDS are supposed to be protected by Republic Act 11166, which aims to strengthen the Philippine comprehensive policy on HIV and AIDS prevention, treatment, care, and support; appropriating funds therefor.
Latest data from the Department of Health stated that it has recorded 131,335 HIV cases nationwide as of September 2024. It is projected that the country may reach a total of 215,400 cases before the year ends.
Macu, if he continues to pursue his plan and succeeds, will just be part of that number.
If you want to get tested to know your HIV status or in need of any guidance, you may get in touch with Bahaghari Center for SOGIE Research, Education and Advocacy, Inc. at 09287854244 or 09157972229.
Interview was done with consent; name was changed as requested by the subject.
